Sexy twisted stories- The Complete Masterworks

[Hell-demon]

Ladies and germs I present to you the complete collection of my writing. I've been writing stories for Nc on and off for a year now.


This is where my past writings will be kept and any other stories I create will be posted here after a time.


So let's start with my first twisted piece of writing, Jake Hard which spawned into a series of stories. Jake Hard, the name, was derived from a video game called Angel Devoid in which you the player travel around a cyber punk world as Mr. Hard with a face of a wanted criminal. I figured Jake Hard would be an ideal name for a frustrated trying to be cool detective.

But where did the idea of this sexually frustrated detective come from?

I was doing my GCSE's at the time and we were told in an English class to write a short story about a detective. I'm a twisted fuck so Jake Hard was spawned in only a few hours. It was praised well at my school, so I added a Neocron tint to it and posted it here.

I didn't stop there. Neocron has so many possibilities for stories. So I kept writing on.


So I present to you Jake Hard Sexually Frustrated Private Eye :)

[Hell-demon]

The neon lights of the Pepper Park red light district glistened in the foreboding night sky. One Jake Hard Private Detective looked upon this seedy site from his crummy little office high above the streets in a run down housing complex. Jake sat down in his hard leather back chair and put a cigarette to his lips, which dangled precariously. He put his hands through his jet-black shiny hair and rummaged through his desk drawers. In one of them he found a pair of socks, which he promptly stuffed down his crotch to make him look that extra bit manlier.

Jake specialised in cases involving couples that suspected their partners of cheating. But being a detective is a lonely job. He was tired of seeing the usual saggy middle-aged women wanting him to spy on their old impotent husbands. For once he wanted a young, firm breasted gorgeous woman to waltz into his office. Jake wanted a woman. A real one, not like that blow up sex doll he had stashed in his office stock cupboard for those lonely nights. He wanted to spend the night with a lady having hot sweaty sex and breaking the odd bedspring in the process. His fantasy was halted by a knock at the door.

The door opened and in walked a beautiful woman with bazookas for breasts, long flowing hair and a body that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room. Jake clenched his buttocks in excitement.

“Are you Jake Hard?” asked the woman.

“Who’s askin’?” said Jake trying to keep his cool and not trying to seem desperate. Even though he had a pair of socks stuffed down his boxers to make his penis look big.

“My name is Janet Sexington and I need your help. I think my husband is seeing another woman.”

“Of course ma’am. Your husband is one sick puppy if he’s willin’ to give up a gorgeous gal like you” Jake said with a tender smile.

Janet blushed, sat down and fidgeted in her chair. Jake moved himself closer to his desk trying to conceal the erection that was bursting out of his trousers. Jake was mesmerised by her canyon of a cleavage.

“This means a lot to me Mr. Hard thank you” Janet said with a slightly flirtatious look on her face.

Jake could see what was going to happen already. He would solve the case; he’d catch the husband in the act, show photos to Janet, she’d cry on his shoulder, they’d get close and spend the rest of the night having dirty sex on his office desk. Nothing could go wrong.

“I don’t have much money but maybe I could pay you some other way,” Janet said winking.

“YAHOO” thought Jake he knew he was going to get a shag now. But he still tried to act cool and calm. Jake tried to keep his nerve. When it came to women Jake found it really difficult to seduce them without them vomiting or getting into fits of laughter. Theres was only one woman who truly understood him and she needed a puncture repair kit every now and then.

“Well Ill do anything for a lady” Said Jake.

Janet giggled.

“Oh I’m not a lady I’m a transvestite”

Jake shot himself.

[Hell-demon]

The jet-black sky streaked across the city of Neocron masking its nightlife. The tall dark City Administration building loomed over its citizens, its dark enforcement making the inhabitants avoid it all costs. Except for the man dressed in a nurse outfit with a drink bottle attached to his bum that read, “Squeeze for sex” but he was crazy.

Deep inside the building the gene replicator whirred, the copbots and other members of City Admin including the work experience boy who made the tea, watched in anticipation. And out of the gene replicator came forth Jake Hard, Private Detective. A member of Admin approached him.

“Ah Mr. Hard allow me to introduce myself I’m inspector Kum, you have been replicated because you have died. You shot yourself apparently according to a transvestite…”

A copbot giggled.

“Errr yes anyway you should have some mild dizziness seeing as every single part of you has been put together”

“Every single part?” Said Jake.

He quickly looked down his trousers. It was all there just like he remembered; in fact the sock was still there. He sighed with relief, and adjusted his detective badge to cover the gravy stain on his shirt.

“I suppose I should tell you why you are here. We need your help in an unusual case. We’ve seen your profile of cases…that erm intrigue us. You see there has been a murder in hacknet”

Inspector Kum flipped through Jake’s profile of case files and handed them to a copbot. The copbot flipped through the pages excitedly looking at the pictures of naked people caught in the act.

“Sir I think Ill go examine these pictures in detail in the men’s room” said the Copbot before running off.

Inspector Kum lead Jake down the winding corridors to the interrogation rooms. Jake was still shook up about the transvestite; with his keen inspection skills he should of noticed the facial hair. But he did not and that worried him like the thought of getting a sexual disease before a porn party. Jake and Inspector Kum stopped just outside an interrogation room.

“Mr. Hard we haven’t had much luck with this witness. The man who was murdered was a Dr. Dildonic, his research assistant, Dr. Pimple saw him enter hacknet and checked the hacknet logs shortly after. I doubt you’ll have much look with him.” Said Inspector Kum.

“Ill crack him, like I crack walnuts against my thick skull. Ill make this piggy squeal” Said Jake putting a mean look on his face. Inspector Kum frowned at him. Jake entered the room and Kum lingered outside. Inside the room Dr. Pimple was hunched up by a desk that was dimly lit by a light hanging above it. Jake hit his head on the light.

Jake knew that he had to play it cool and be mean and calculating. He pulled up his shirtsleeves whilst removing the packet of dusty old unused condoms he had stashed up there. He lit a cigarette, put it to his mouth and pulled up a chair towards the desk. He breathed out smoke. Dr. Pimple started to wince.

“Okay Doc. You listen to me. I ask the questions and you answer. Don’t bullshit me or Ill send you to MC5 to be some big mommas bitch. Okay tell me what happened” Jake looked at Dr. Pimple with fire in his eyes.

Dr. Pimple opened his mouth.

“Teh n00b went to haxx0r net to download teh pron and got pwned!”

Jake’s eyes widened with confusion. Kum came into the room and stood next to Jake.

“See chief we cant get much sense out of him. He’s a hack kiddie, everything he says is elite hack shit.” Said Kum

Jake sighed, got out of his seat and adjusted the sock in his crotch region. Jake and Kum left the room. They went to the next interrogation room and Kum handed Jake a bunch of photos of Dr. Dildonic. Jake put them in his breast pocket that was nicely accompanied by his packet of condoms.

“Jake these photos are of Dr. Dildonic. We have someone in custody that might know what happened. Her name is Lydia Ryder, she’s a lap dancer at Twister a good one too..I mean Ive heard she is..cause..er…” Kum stopped mid flow.

“ Look we know she was in contact with him the night before he went to hacknet. See what you can find out about them. She’s very feisty; most of us here at Admin have interrogated her. Hell a storm bot managed to interrogate her twice in one night. She’s probably not the type you’re used to dealing with. Meaning she’s not a chick with an extra appendage or whatever your clientele are.” Said Kum.

Kum went down a corridor leading to his office. Jake braced himself. This was it. A young woman who was energetic and didn’t need duct tape if she got torn. He had to remain calm. He thought to himself, “Maybe one more sock down there will help” but dismissed it. He opened the door and walked into the room.

There sitting at a desk was the attractive Lydia. Her long shiny hair flowed near her large smooth breasts. Her luscious pouting lips were begging to be kissed. She moved her hands down to her beautiful legs that were covered in fishnet stockings. She then moved her hands near her breasts and ran a finger down her blouse. Her eyes made contact with Jakes eye’s and he prematurely ejaculated.

Jake stood near the desk. He was shaking and sweating and mentally undressing Lydia.

“I’m Hard” said Jake

“I’m sure you are” said Lydia smiling.

“Er..I mean detective Hard”

Jake reached into his breast pocket.

“Tell me do these mean anything to you”

“Yes there a packet of condoms” said Lydia

“OH CRAP!” exclaimed Jake realising he had taken his condoms out by mistake and not the photos. He quickly took out the photos and placed them on the desk.

“Miss did you know this man?” said Jake trying to relax.

“Yes he was my husband. Albert was a brilliant man, and he was an excellent lover too. He died so young, 58…and he’s gone. His research project was just about to pay off too” said Lydia forlorn.

“What was your husband working on miss?” asked Jake

“A powerful form of viagra”

Jake’s sock fell out of his unzipped flies and onto the desk.

[Hell-demon]

Deep inside the dark foreboding City Admin building the copbots attended to their duties. They were eagerly watching the interrogation that Jake Hard, Private Detective was conducting. The light in the interrogation room flickered occasionally bringing very little illumination to the sterile cold room. The faint buzzing of the light could be heard. But this sound was interrupted by the sound of Jake accidentally knocking a glass of water over with his erection.

Jake tried to focus on the task at hand and not at Lydia Ryder’s ample breasts. His erection was now plaguing his mind. He had to get rid of it to look professional, he thought to himself “Ok Jake think none sexy thoughts, dead puppies, grandma naked…er Neofrag, yeah that’s boring only highlight of the red light district apart from the sex…oh crap”. He decided to grab a seat and continue to question.

“So miss you say your husband was working on viagra. What research does he do on it?” asked Jake.

“Well Mr. Hard he was working on a powerful form of viagra. With one pill an erection could be sustained for 24 hours with no loss even after sex. This pill is extremely powerful and could make you harder than a gene tank in a gun store. I think his research is to do with his death” said Lydia.

“Why would someone kill a man over viagra?”

“Albert had made some enemies in his business, mostly impotent people who wanted the viagra. But it was too unstable and experimental for consumer use. Also the Tsunami Syndicate had got involved”

The Tsunami Syndicate. Jake knew them well; in the sense he had rented an adult holo disc from them a year back and never returned it. And now theses porn peddlers had their eyes set on a lucrative drug they could use in their business.

“So maybe Tsunami killed your husband” said Jake bluntly.

“Most likely, he was visited by the boss of Tsunami, Madame Veronique on the night. They met up, had a few drinks, started talking and then it slipped out”

“I hate it when that happens”

“No I mean his researched slipped out. Anyway he refused the drug to them telling them it was too powerful. Madame Veronique did not like this and threatened him. He came home quite worried. Then later he went to hacknet to download certain material for his research. And then he was murdered”

Lydia slumped back in her chair. In doing so her breasts jiggled making Jake lose concentration and making him fall out his chair. He got back up.

“Please Mr. Hard find the killers and bring justice. Not just for Admin but for me” said Lydia

Jake nodded and turned to face the door, knocking the glass of water over with his erection again in the process. He walked out the room with an unusually eager storm waiting outside. Jake took the gravity lift down to level one where he was greeted by Inspector Kum.

“Hey there chief! We just erected your new office here at City Admin, we brought most of the stuff from your old office here” said Kum.

“ Er most of my stuff…does that include the..”

“Inflatable sex doll with the name tag saying Sandra on it. Yep.”

Jake looked down at his shoes trying to avoid Kum’s gaze. Jake hastily grabbed the case file from Kum and hurried off to his office. When Jake got into the office he saw it was very oppressive. It had a pot plant and a clean shiny desk. It wasn’t like his old office; there were no dead gold fish, no pin up posters and no mini fridge to store his underwear. He sat down at his desk. He opened one of the desk drawers. Something was missing, but what? Then he pulled out a pair of socks out of his pocket and put them in the drawer. Jake liked to be prepared.

Jake opened the stock cupboard and there was Sandra the sex doll. The one thing he could depend on, well occasionally she had been known to deflate. But Jake couldn’t stop thinking about Lydia. She had big breasts, and in Jake’s book that made her a priority. He had to solve the case and had to have hot sweaty sex. Jake decided to get in contact with someone inside Tsunami. Unfortunately Jake didn’t like this person.

But Jake decided to contact one Lorenzo Thrust, or as he was known to the ladies “The future of karma sutra”. Jake hated Lorenzo he was his all time enemy, but if Jake had to make a big breasted dancer happy by contacting him then that’s what he’d do. He would arrange to meet Lorenzo in the Pussy club. Jake would be able to arrange a meeting with Madame Veronique at Tsunami head quarters. He would then sneak into her office and gather any info on Dr. Dildonic. It was full proof, well in Jakes mind at least.

Jake had to solve the case, he needed to. He was driven to succeed not only by his penis but his heart as well. He would solve a decent case, he wouldn’t have to spy on people having sex, although he didn’t see it as a bad thing. Jake put on his leather jacket, loaded his gun and stuck an extra woolly sock down his trousers. He was ready to do a good job. His attention soon disappeared.

Sandra had deflated again.

[Hell-demon]

Neon signs lit up the filthy rubbish strewed streets of Pepper Park. It was home to prostitutes and gangsters. Local junkies could be seen loitering the streets in look of a fix. Everything was how it should be, apart from the copbot buying a copy of “Dirty Droms 2”.

Jake Hard strolled down the streets in search of the infamous Pussy club. It is there where he would meet Lorenzo. He noticed the cop bot trying to conceal his porn. He walked up to the copbot. He was surprised that a copbot would buy porn let alone be able to use it.

“Hi there you wouldn’t know where the Pussy club is would ya?” said Jake

“It’s just down that streets and near a gravity lift. Hey aren’t you that new detective?”

“Yeah why do you ask?”

“That woman you were interrogating she’s apparently gone missing. Admin came by her apartment and she was nowhere to be found. Real shame too me and my team were gonna interrogate her. We hear she’s pretty good” said the copbot looking at the box art of “Dirty Droms 2”

Jake had a strange feeling in his gut. It may have been indigestion, but he also knew that Tsunami could have kidnapped her. He didn’t have time to chat with the perverted copbot with a drom fetish he needed to solve the case and fast. Jake said good-bye to the copbot and ran towards the Pussy club. Jake entered the club.

Inside the club was the usual array of girls flaunting their naked bodies and providing services like lap dances a midst the dimly lit, cruddy room. Jake tried to play it cool and casually walked to the bar. He noticed that Lorenzo was here. He was there with a group of attractive ladies comprised of some blonde twins, a red headed dominatrix and a woman dressed as a cheerleader with the number 69 scrawled on her outfit. Jake was transfixed on them, so much so he didn’t look where he was walking and went face first into a dancer’s vagina. Lorenzo had noticed him.

“Well if it isn’t Jake Hard On! Heh heh what’s a dip shit like you doing her? Apart from making a fool of him self” shouted Lorenzo, his groupies now giggling and getting close to him. Jake walked up to Lorenzo.

“Trust me I’m no dip shit Lorenzo. I’m a pretty good detective. In fact I helped president Lioon Reza uncover that affair his wife was having with those two lesbian goth chicks and a drom. But what about you what have you done?”

“I’ve had sex with lots of hot women”

The room went silent.

“Lorenzo I’m here because I want to meet up with Madame Veronique. I think she might be involved in viagra” said Jake.

“Viagra…ha ha! What’s the matter Jake you cant live up to your name? Ha ha! I bet you stick socks down your trousers!”

The group of girls laughed. Jake went coy and backed away slightly.

“Listen Lorenzo I’m not afraid to use force to get somewhere” said Jake sternly.

“Oh really?”

Lorenzo pulled out his ultra powerful cursed soul plasma cannon. It had an extra damage boost modifier, laser sight, leather studded strap, range amplifiers and a neat little built in mp3 player. The ladies gasped and started to caress his big gun, his plasma cannon that is.

“Show me what you got” taunted Lorenzo.

Jake pulled out his small Wyatt Earp pistol. The barrel fell off.

The room went silent again. Then everyone laughed at Jake.

“Hey it’s not the size that counts its how you use it! Look Lorenzo just arrange a meeting” shouted Jake.

“Heh heh okay man. Just don’t shoot me with your peashooter. Ill tell her to meet you at club Veronique.”

Jake stormed out the club.

On the way to club Veronique Jake kept thinking about Lydia. Tsunami had probably kidnapped her seeing as she knew Dr. Dildonic. If he could find her then maybe she would think he was heroic and offer sex as a reward. Jake was feeling comfortable with this thought, in fact there was a little bounce in his step as he walked towards club Veronique.

As Jake entered club Veronique he found it strangely deserted. This was unusual because he was wearing deodorant. The club was looking pretty gloomy. He looked at the bar and thought, “Maybe a nice whisky will help this investigation”. But suddenly as he approached the bar two big men grabbed him by the arms. Lorenzo rose up from behind the bar.

“How ya doing detective dumb fuck! Heh heh bet you never saw this bitch. Madame Veronique doesn’t like you snooping in her business.” Said Lorenzo pulling out a nail gun.

Jake struggled to get free of Lorenzo’s goons but it was futile.

“Me and a couple of the boys decided to kidnap your lady friend” said Lorenzo with a smile.

“You mean…”
“Yes Sandra the sex doll”

One of Lorenzo’s goons brought Sandra to the bar.

“Lorenzo you sick bastard just you wait!” shouted Jake.

Lorenzo pointed the nail gun at Sandra. He fired and a nail shot through her head and stuck her to the wall of the bar. She slowly deflated.

“Woops look like I nailed your girlfriend” said Lorenzo smirking.

Lorenzo walked up to Jake and pointed the gun at Jake’s head. The goons held on to Jake tighter as he struggled. Jake now realised he was a dead man. He just wished he could pay he respects to Sandra the inflatable sex doll. Lorenzo’s finger tightly gripped the trigger of the nail gun.

But just as Lorenzo was about to pull the trigger the front door of club Veronique blew open. In came Lydia dressed with a large ammo belt round her and two semi automatic Uzi’s in both hands. She fired wildly at the goons and ripped them to shreds making a new red paint job for the club. Lorenzo hid behind a table trying to avoid the fire. Jake was unharmed but slightly fazed. Lydia rushed over to Jake.

“Are you okay?” asked Lydia

“Er fine”

Lorenzo came out of hiding and pointed the gun at Lydia. Lydia quickly ran over to him and promptly kicked him square in the testicles. This brought back memories of singing soprano at school to Lorenzo. Lorenzo collapsed whilst firmly holding onto his genitals. It would be at least a month for the swelling to go down and to actually find his testicles.

“Come on we have to get to the Madame Veronique’s office” said Lydia grabbing Jake by the arm.

“Wait how did you know where to find me?” asked Jake.

“Well I knew you were on the case and I wanted to help you so I got Dr. Pimple to track you down and keep tabs on you”

“Dr. Pimple? But how did you persuade that guy to do that. He’s a hacker you can barely get any sense out of him”

“Oh I just gave him what every hacker dreams about. Oral sex”

Jake and Lydia moved briskly through the club and reached an elevator which lead to Madame Veronique’s office and penthouse. They stepped in side and took it to the top floor, while the elevator played crappy music. Once there Lydia shot down the security guards patrolling the area. Jake timidly stepped out the elevator.

“Wow you sure have a lot of weaponry” said Jake.

“Lets just say I like to be prepared” said Lydia.

“ Tell me about I stuck a woolly sock down my trousers”

“Er what?”

“Er..that’s er…detective speak for er…brought my er pistol”

“Oh funny thing to say. Anyway Im going to search her penthouse, Ill see if I can find anything there. I want you to go search her office. Be careful Mr. Hard”

Jake nodded and they went there separate ways. Jake was quick to find her office although his first attempt made him wind up in a utility room. He thought the mop was pleased to see him. He slowly crept inside the office and found that Madame Veronique was not home. Also the computer had been left on. Jake was sure to find evidence here. He looked at the computer screen. But to his horror it needed a password in order for him to log on. Jake needed to think hard about this, he had to think logical. What type of password would a businesswoman use? He had to be quick.

He typed password as the password. It logged him on.

On Madame Veronique’s computer he had stumbled on a mother lode of evidence. This was like finding the missing link in the apartment opposite your own with the fountain of youth and proof of God’s existence. Well to Jake it was. On the computer he found the evil schemes Madame Veronique had been planning. Things like prostitution, murders, drug dealing and a contract with a company called “click2play”. After much searching he had found what he was looking for; a murder contract on Dr. Dildonic and the viagra formula as well. But strangely there were also weapon plans. Weapons and viagra somehow didn’t mix in Jakes mind.

A sharp blow hit Jake from behind, he collapsed and blacked out.

Which was good because he penis hit a nail sticking out of a floorboard.

[Hell-demon]

The industrial sector of Neocron is known by some and not at all by others. The faint smell of ash lingered in every crevice of this fragile place. Deep below the sector was a secret Tsunami prison. Ruthless people were crammed in their cells, alone in the dark and isolated from the outside world. It was a dark sanctuary to them, but they were prisoners. One of the prisoners knew this quite well a flung a turd at an inmate in the opposite cell from his.

In one of the cells was Jake Hard, Private Detective. After regaining consciousness from the blow that struck his head he soon realised he was imprisoned. He was trapped like a pubic hair between someone’s teeth right after oral sex. But he also realised he was not alone. Lydia was in the cell with him along with an elderly yet handsome man huddled in the corner of the cell.

“Who are you?” asked Jake

“My name is Dr. Albert Dildonic. My wife Lydia has told me all about you”

“Dr. Dildonic? But you were murdered”

“Indeed I was. But Tsunami decided to gene replicated me to help them in their diabolical research. I’m partly responsible for all this mess. I should of never dabbled in sexual research. Now Madame Veronique has us imprisoned because we know of her plans” said Dr. Dildonic grimly.

“I don’t understand why Tsunami would gene replicate you to continue research into viagra. They already have the formula from what I’ve seen”

“Oh its much more than that. Madame Veronique has developed a weapon of mass destruction from my research. She’s trying to harness the power of sex”

Jake looked at him with a confused expression. Things still didn’t add up. But he decided to listen to Dr. Dildonic; especially since a big hairy guy opposite the cell they were in was calling to him for some “lovin’”.

“Please doc continue” said Jake.

“Well my boy my viagra is powerful. Meaning a large build of sexual energy can be produced. With the destructive device Madame Veronique has developed she can transform this energy into a weapon. You see detective she can hold Neocron ransom. She has already worked on her list of demands for Admin” said Dr. Dildonic

Lydia who was sitting on the floor rose to feet.

“If we want to stop her we have to escape from this cell first” said Lydia.

Jake nodded in agreement. Quite enthusiastically because that big man in the opposite cell was starting to undress. Then a bright idea struck Dr. Dildonic’s brilliant and sexual mind.

“Well I think I might be able to break us out. You see to pay the bills I also got into the implanting business. And my last client wanted breast implants, fortunately she never showed up for the operation. I still have the silicon breast implants in my pocket”

“That’s great Doc but how does that help us?” said Jake.

“Well you see my boy silicon breast implants are actually highly explosive. We can use these to blow the cell door right off” said Dr. Dildonic reaching into his pocket.

Dr. Dildonic stuck the breast implants to the hinges of the cell door. Everything was in place. Jake rummaged through his pockets and found his trusty lighter. Dr. Dildonic lit the implants and him; Jake and Lydia crammed them themselves to the far end of the cell. The silicon implants were starting to get explosive.

And in one almighty explosion the cell door was blown off. And to Jake’s happy surprise the door had flung into the opposite cell killing the big hairy pervert.

“Mr. Hard I’m going to have to find the weapons control room in order to shut it down. It won’t be long till the Tsunami realise we have escaped. We need to act quickly in order to stop Madame Veronique” said Dr. Dildonic.

Now Jake’s case was getting more important. He was charged with the task of saving Neocron from complete sexual destruction. But he knew in his mind he was a man of principal and a man of dignity.

An inmate threw a turd at him.

[Hell-demon]

Below the surface of the industrial sector was a terrible device. A huge monolith of a destructive weapon that could destroy whole cities and reduce them to dust. It was huge, dark and throbbing with power. It made Jake feel quite inadequate. Him and Lydia and Dr. Dildonic were on ground floor of the weapon. They gazed up in awe at it. But Jake focused on the porn dungeon located near it.

“There it is. A weapon that can transform sexual energy into a destructive force. And I helped Tsunami build it” exclaimed Dr. Dildonic.

“You didn’t have to make it Albert” said Lydia.

“Oh but I had to my dear. They threatened to hunt down and kill you if I didn’t comply. I built it for you…..that’s why it’s strangely shaped like a phallus”

Jake was now heading towards the porn dungeon. Inside he found whips, spanking paddles, vibrators, mud wrestling pit and a copy of play drom. Jake wondered why on earth there would be a porn dungeon near a weapon of mass destruction.

“Hey doc why is there a…porn dungeon near the weapon?” asked Jake.

“Ah quite simple my boy. Madame Veronique built it to create sexual frustration to charge up the weapon. When the sexual frustration is released the sexual energy will become a powerful weapon. The device relies on a person to be inside the holding chamber located at the bottom of the weapon. When the person releases sexual energy they will manifest destruction on a sexual level!” said Dr. Dildonic.

The alarms in the facility started to sound. Dr. Dildonic grabbed Lydia, where as Jake grabbed a sock and put it down his trousers. It was time to finish this. Dr. Dildonic ran up to Jake.

“We don’t have much time. Jake I need you to be in that chamber. I can make your sexual energy collapse the weapon’s internal power drives. In other words we are going to use your sexual frustration to destroy this device” Said Dr. Dildonic.

“Woah doc I think you got me all wrong” replied Jake.

“What are you talking about man your perfect! Lydia has told me all about you and how horny you are. Look at yourself you put socks down your trousers to make yourself look like you have a big penis! You want to have sex with my wife too your even looking at her now!”

Jake looked down at his shoes. But in his mind he knew Dr. Dildonic was right. All his life he had sexual frustration built up inside him. He thought it was a curse, but now it seemed like a gift. With his sexual energy he could save Neocron. His penis would save millions.

“Listen Jake I’m going to take the elevator to the control room. Ill program it to use your sexual energy to over load it. I’m counting on you. We all are” said Dr. Dildonic

“But how do you know this will work doc?” replied Jake.
“Ha! I designed this thing. In fact the whole operating system uses some old 21st century software called “Windows XP” it’s bound to crash the whole system.”

Dr. Dildonic ran to the elevator and took it to the control room. There he frantically typed gibberish into the computer. Jake stepped into the chamber. Lydia approached him.

“Hey Lydia you better get to a safe spot, who knows what could happen. Besides Tsunami guards will be here any minute” said Jake glumly.

“Mr. Hard I just wanted to wish you good luck and to show you these..” said Lydia removing her top and showing her firm, round, perfect breasts. The device charged up. Dr. Dildonic turned on the microphone in the control room.

“Lydia what the hell did you do?! There’s an influx of power this things going critical! My word there’s so much sexual energy it can’t be contained! Quickly get up here where its safe!” cried Dr. Dildonic.

Lydia ran to the elavator and got inside. Meanwhile the device was getting really juiced up, so was Jake but that’s a little too much information. Sparks were now exploding from the side. Jake was caught in a complete electro static field that have been created in the chamber. He was shaking all over and more electricity and sparks appeared. The device whirred and churned more power that was building up in the fusion reactors. The blast doors of the silo where the weapon was opened and Tsunami guards poured in.

And then that’s when it happened. Jake came.

“OH SHI…”

Suddenly a huge streak of lightning shot out from the chamber instantly frying the guards. The monolith of a weapon exploded at the sides as pure sexual energy burst at the seems. Jake was pouring out power and creating huge amounts of electricity. Finally the device exploded in a shower of electricity and sparks. The blast ripped through the windows of the control room throwing Lydia and Dr. Dildonic across the room. Luckily they were okay. They took the elevator to ground level.

Amongst the rubble, dust, electrical sparks and the odd bit of semen lay Jake on the floor. Lydia rushed to his aid and nestled his head on her soft warm breasts.

“Jake are you okay?” she whispered in his ear.

Jakes eyes opened and focused his eyes on Lydia. He opened his mouth.

“I….I..really need a cigarette”

When Jake had gained his strength they decided to get out the facility. It wouldn’t be long till City Admin would be here alerted by the explosion. The trio slowly made their way through the porn dungeon to get out the facility. Dr. Dildonic was helping Jake walk seeing as he was a bit tired. That was until a big spanking paddled whacked Jake in the face. The owner of it was the infamous Madame Veronique with fury in her eyes and a spanking paddle in her hands. Jake tried to get back on his feet.

“You miserable worm! Ruining my plans of destruction!” exclaimed Madame Veronique.

“You bitch!” yelled Lydia as she pounced on Madame Veronique and hauled her across the dungeon and into the mud-wrestling pit.

The two of them wrestled each other and moaned. They furiously tore off each other’s clothes and tried to pin each other down but this only lead to more clothes being torn and more squirming. Each time they tried to grab hold of one another their firm, smooth breasts collided together. The eroticism of it all left Jake and Dr. Dildonic in a complete trance like state. Minutes later City Admin arrived and entered the porn dungeon. The team was being lead by Inspector Kum.

One of the copbots found the trio as well as Madame Veronique. A copbot alerted Inspector Kum.

“Sir I found Madame Veronique and Lydia Ryder they appear to be doing some sort of exercise…err Im not sure. And Jake Hard and Dr. Dildonic are here but they seem to have been hypnotised by Tsunami. Well it appears that way.”

“Excellent work. Cant wait to read Jakes report” Said Kum.

Later that day at the City Administration Jake filed his report and stamped it “case closed”. His report made interesting reading for Kum. And the copbots highlighted the description of the porn dungeon in the report and stuck it in the men’s lavatory for some reason. Jake was proud of his work, but decided to head back to his old life of being a Private Eye who spied on people. And so after debriefing Kum he headed to his office and packed his things in a cardboard box. But just as he was about to walk out, Lydia came in.

“Oh hi Lydia how ya doin’?” said Jake

“Im fine, just came to say thanks for all you’ve done. I mean if you hadn’t tried to solved this case I wouldn’t of been able to follow your leads and get captured and find Albert”

“So your back with Albert then. You must be really happy”

“We are. He’s thinking of retiring and were going to go live in a luxurious apartment in Via Rosso. If it wasn’t for you and your sex starved mind we would of never got this far. Thank you Mr. Hard”

“Please call me Jake”

Lydia gave him a peck on the cheeked and she walked out his office. Jake waved her goodbye. Jake found it typical that he never got the girl in the end. Just once he would like to have sex with a beautiful woman. Guess he was going to have to buy a new sex doll.
As Jake walked out his office a copbot approached him.

“Excuse me Mr. Hard there’s a lady here to see you at reception. She’s quite a looker too” said the copbot.

Maybe things were looking up for Jake. He briskly took the gravity lift down to reception. And that’s when he was greeted by an all too familiar person.

“MR. HARD! ITS ME JANET SEXINGTON THE TRANSVESTITE! IM SO GLAD TO SEE YOU!”

Jake shot himself.

The End

[Hell-demon]

Another story was created and I put fans of my works in my own stories, I'm just THAT nice. Sadly due to teh nature of my stories no one wants to be in my stories any more.

With my bad grammar and twisted mind in full flow I wrote Jake Hard and the Clitoris of Ceres, which I submit to you.

[Hell-demon]

The dark sky drenched Neocron and flickers of lightning arched its way over the city. The rain poured down heavily on the huge crowd that was now building up outside the Neocron Museum of Unnatural History. The crowds were eager to get inside to look at the new addition to the museum so much so they trampled a blind person to death. But hey who cares.

Inside the museum was a new archaeological discovery. One shrouded in mystery and beauty. Archaeologists have no idea what secrets it holds only that it is a very strange jewel. A jewel known only as…The Clitoris of Ceres.

With the crowds subdued and seated inside the huge foyer of the museum and after a rather excited copbot was done frisking people and complimenting them on their asses, the unveiling of the Clitoris would commence. The curator of the museum, John Floppy, stood up to the podium and switched on the microphone to address the excited crowd. On the right of John was Miss Cherry Pop a very beautiful and gorgeous woman with a body built for bedrooms. She had bought the jewel in an auction but before she could keep it she had to agree that it must be shown to the public. And what girl doesn’t mind showing her clitoris to the public?

John spoke into the microphone.

“Ladies and Gentleman and the odd copbot who gets pleasure out of frisking people.”

The copbot nodded and continued harassing a museum security guard in a perverted fashion.

“I am proud to unveil the Clitoris of Ceres. A beautiful jewel found by archaeologists in an underground temple built by Ceres. We are not sure why Ceres had this jewel but there are theories. And now to unveil this beautiful sight.” said John pointing to a glass case with a red veil over it.

The copbot stopped groping a nearby spectator and strolled casually up to the case while pointing his fingers and nodding at the person he just frisked. He quickly pulled off the veil. The crowd gasped. The Clitoris of Ceres was not there.

“Woah its invisible” said the copbot.

“What! Where is it?!” exclaimed John.

“What’s going on?” asked Cherry Pop

“I can’t seem to find the clitoris” said John.

“I don’t expect you to know where the clitoris is you’re a man”

“No miss Pop I mean the Clitoris of Ceres..its..its gone missing!” shouted John.

Meanwhile in a seedy bar in Pepper Park a lone drinker was sat near the counter drinking his fifth whiskey. The gloomy lights reflected his mood of depression. But this one no ordinary drinker this was Jake Hard: Private Detective. He was a broken man after his last case.

Nothing could cheer him up. That was until an attractive lady sat next to him at the bar. She had a nice curvy body and breasts that seemed to be the equivalent of safety air bags. Jake stopped drinking at looked at this fine young lady, she was making eye contact and smiling and she was right next to him. Jake thought she might have poor eyesight but he dismissed this thought. He was very drunk but he still had to think of a way to compliment her that showed he was charming. He opened his mouth.

“YOU HAVE BIG BOOBIES!” Jake shouted.

“Erm…thanks” said the lady blushing.

Jake now promised himself that he wouldn’t let the booze talking. But seeing as the lady wasn’t faking a seizure to get out of talking with him, everything was going fine. He straightened his leather jacket and put on a smile.

“I’m a detective” Jake said smiling.

“Really what’s it like?” asked the lady.

“Oh its terrible…I mean in my last case I managed to lose a loved one.” Said Jake quite glum.

“Oh how horrible” said the lady sympathetically.

“Yeah she was the best damn inflatable sex doll I ever had”

The lady eyes widened with confusion. But she put a smile on her face.

“That’s a pretty funny joke” she said.

“Er..yeah…a joke…” said Jake smiling back.

Jake sipped his drink. The lady next to him was now playing with his thick black shiny hair. Jake tucked himself closer to the bar before his erection put the bar stool to shame.

“You’re a very cute detective you know that. What’s your name?” said the lady.

“Jake Hard. Very hard actually” Jake said blushing.

“How about you come to my apartment and you can do a private investigation” said the lady flirting.

“Er..okay…but…I still don’t know your name” said Jake.

The lady whispered in his ear.

“Its Brian”

[Hell-demon]

A storm was brewing in Neocron, the clouds turned grey and the rain was coming out the sky like all the angels in heaven decided to take a piss at the same time. In Pepper Park in a dilapidated housing complex, Jake Hard was in his office sleeping in his leather chair. A gust of wind awoke him from his slumber and he quickly closed a nearby open window. Fortunately for Jake he closed the window on the fingers of a mutant that was crawling up to his office to steal his holodisk of “When Droms Attack 3”. Jake went back to sleep in his chair and went into a deep sleep.

His office door was slammed opened by his ugly landlord. He was called Ugly Roy on the count of his ugliness and the fact that hates being called Roy. He was a bit mad that the door slamming hadn’t woke up Jake. He scratched his crotch, which was thankfully tucked away in his white worn out boxers. Ugly Roy was a slob he wore a grey vest with stains, lots of stains, in fact Jake was commissioned by a tenant once to figure out what the stains were but to no avail. Ugly Roy lit a cigar and blew smoke on Jake. Jake just murmured.

“Hey wake up you lazy bastard” said Roy shaking Jake.

Jake didn’t stir.

“Hey wake up asshole!” cried out Ugly Roy as he slapped Jake across the face.

“AH I SWEAR SHE WAS EIGHTEEN!” shouted Jake as he woke up. He looked around his office slightly dazed. Then he saw Ugly Roy towering above him. His ugly grimace definitely made him wide-awake now.

“Read this” said Ugly Roy handing Jake a tatty piece of paper.

“Holy shit!” exclaimed Jake.

“You’re reading it upside down idiot”

Jake turned the paper the right way round.

“Holy shit!” exclaimed Jake again.

“You see that asswipe? That’s the money you owe me. The money I need to tolerate your dumb ass in my fine establishment” said Ugly Roy pealing a bit of wallpaper off a nearby damp wall.

“Roy my man I’m good for the money, I just know that my next case is going to be a good one. I can feel it” said Jake trying to act cool.

“Bullshit! I’m tired of you and your excuses and your socks that you stick down your trousers to make ya dick look bigger!” yelled Ugly Roy.

“Woah socks down my trousers? Lets not jump to conclusions” said Jake sneakily pulling out a sock from his trousers and putting it in one of his desk drawers.

“You’re out of here Jake. Pack your shit you’re gone. And I’m taking your copy of “When Droms Attack 3” too”

“Well can I least have my Wyatt Earp pistol back? You know the one you’ve been using as a paperweight.”

“Yeah sure that’s the only good thing it can be used for”

“Hey it’s a good gun in fact I shot someone last week with it”

“You shot yourself numb nuts”

“At least I shot someone” said Jake grinning.

And with those words Jake was kicked out of his office, which was also his home. He could no longer kip by radiator or fry rat burgers on his computer monitor. All he had was a box of crap and the cold streets. Things couldn’t get worse. Well actually they did as someone emptied a mini septic tank on him from one of the housing complexes.

The thunder roared above Jake has his depressingly walked the cold dark streets. Then a copbot approached him.

“Jake Hard?” asked the copbot in his metallic deep voice.

“Yes that’s me what do you want?” said Jake.

“Miss Cherry Pop would like to meet you on urgent business. I am ordered to take you to her” said the copbot.

“Er..who? okay…never mind lets just go.”

“Ok sir but before we go I’m going to have to frisk you first” said the copbot with a tinge of joy in his voice.

The copbot started to frisk Jake. Jake felt very uncomfortable but even more so when the copbot said:

“You know what you’ve got a nice ass”

[Hell-demon]

The Chez Cypher restaurant gave off a relaxing atmosphere and the patrons were happily eating their delicious and exquisite meals. They were all happy and laughing and all rich. They were joyous ignoring the storm and the homeless person mooning at them through a window. The voluptuous Cherry Pop was seated at a table alone with a faint candlelight as company. Until of course Jake Hard came in from the rain shivering and escorted by a copbot.

“Here is Jake Hard Miss Cherry. Want me to frisk him again?” said the copbot.

“NO!” shrieked Jake.

“No that’s quite alright. Leave us alone we have business to discuss.” Said Cherry Pop.

The copbot departed and Jake took a seat at the table. Cherry Pop smiled at him and Jake quickly zipped up his flies so the beast did not escape.

“Mr. Hard I want you to find my clitoris” said Cherry.

“Well I don’t hear that everyday. Wish I did though” said Jake.

“Mr. Hard I’ve read your case profile and its…interesting. Hence why you are suited for an interesting artifact known only as the Clitoris of Ceres.”

“Clitoris of wha?”

“Ceres. It was discovered in what we believe to be Ceres sex temple. A very long time ago Ceres had a sex temple built where the finest ladies would be presented, well the ones who still had their skin and not radiation burns. We have now deciphered ancient tablets found in the ruins and have discovered that it is at the temple that Ceres found love. She was a beautiful maiden and he wanted her to love him. So he had a jewel constructed, one that represented her finest aspect: her femininity.”

“Femma….what?”

“Her vagina Mr. Hard”

“Oh…vagina?”

“Anyway war broke out and Ceres was unable to give her the jewel as a token of love. And it was left in the temple never to be disturbed until present day”

“So it just a jewel…big deal” said Jake.

“Oh it’s much more than a jewel Mr. Hard. The tablets say that Ceres endowed it with powers to increase sexual prowess. If the secrets of it are unlocked you could seduce anyone” said Cherry Pop.

“Why do you want to increase sexual prowess you have a huge breasts that can seduce anyone?” said Jake.
“I wish it was that easy Mr. Hard. It’s hard trying to find a decent man in Neocron. All they want is sex, rough sex, hot sweaty sex, fantastic sex they just want to hold me in their arms and pump away” said Cherry frantically.

Jake quickly grabbed a napkin to stop the flow of dribble coming out of his mouth.

“So will you help me?” asked Cherry.

“Sure” said Jake melting like butter on a piece of hot corn.

This was Jakes chance to show he was a decent man. Cherry’s dream guy, a guy who was sensitive and caring and not a sexually depraved individual. But before Jake could work his smooth charms on Cherry an annoying acquaintance of Jake rushed up to him upon spotting him outside.

“Hey man its me Tratos!” he shouted.

The patrons stared at Tratos and a now flustered Jake who was sat at a table with a very beautiful girl.

“Oh hey…Tratos” said Jake going coy.

“Hey man when you going to pay back for that porn holodisk that I leant to you and you broke. And man have you stolen some of my socks to put down your trousers to make your penis look big again. Coz like I checked my wardrobe and…”

Jake quickly put his hand over Tratos’ mouth before he could say any more. The patrons giggled and Cherry frowned. Jake just blushed and went shy.

“Ill leave you to get on with the case” said Cherry getting out of her seat and getting out of the restaurant and out of Jake’s dreams. Jake removed his hand from Tratos’ mouth.

“Aaaww man sorry I ruined your date. But hey you don’t need to have sex with big breasted hot women” said Tratos

Jake looked at Tratos.

“Ok I lied Jake I guess you do need to get laid.”

[Hell-demon]

A dreary fog gathered on the streets of Neocron. It masked the evil nightlife that inhabited the streets and the degenerates that walked the streets. In the dirty Pepper Park red light district Jake Hard wondered around looking for the Pussy Club. He tried to ask for directions but most people he met were strippers and they would usually run away at the sight of a boner trying to force its way out of his trousers. Luckily he managed to find the club.

Inside the neon lit club the patrons were nowhere to be seen. In fact the dancers were gone and Jake didn’t have an erection to scare them off either. It was quite strange. Near the bar of the club sat one of Jake’s contacts. A person by the name of Lorenzo. He was not alone either; a Neocron News Network reporter called Menome was also seated near Lorenzo.

“Oh great if it isn’t Jake Hard on. You stupid fuck get out of my club!” yelled Lorenzo.

“Okay Lorenzo first of all this isn’t your club your uncle owns it and he hates you. And second I just want to ask you some questions” said Jake.

“No way fucker, that bitch you were helping in the viagra case left me scarred for life. Nothing more painful than being kicked in the balls. Now I have implants”

“Implants for testicles?”

“Yeah fucker I now have the latest in Biotech Balls TM"

Jake shuddered.

“So no questions then?” asked Jake

“No fuck off” said Lorenzo.

Suddenly Menome looked at Jake Hard.

“I might be able to help you. The names Menome I’m a reporter”

“That’s great but I don’t deal with the press” said Jake.

“That’s too bad because I don’t deal with crummy detectives. I know your working on the clitoris theft and I also might know where you can find some leads” said Menome smiling.

“Okay shoot” said Jake.

“First I need a good story for tonight’s viewers and so far Lorenzo and his Biotech Balls TM isn’t going to be a hard hitting story. But you on the other hand see a lot of weird things so gimme something I can work with.”

Lorenzo frowned and Jake rummaged through his pockets. He pulled out a dirty hankie, dusty thong inspector licence, a crusty old sock and finally a photo. Not just any photo. This was pure scandal. It was a photo of President Lioon Reza, with a hooker in his office with a large vat of whipped cream. Jake promptly gave it to Menome. Menome gazed at it and his eyes bulged a little.

“I think this is hard hitting” said Jake grinning.

“What! Lemme see some of that shit!” cried Lorenzo.

“Woah is….I’ve never seen so much whipped cream…I…..is this authentic?” said Menome mesmerised by the photo.

“Certainly is” said Jake

“Excuse me while I authenticate it” said Menome rushing off to the men’s room. Unfortunately the men’s room was locked but he was so eager to “authenticate” it he happily went into the ladies room.

Ten minutes later Menome returned slightly flustered. Jake looked at him slightly perturbed. Menome pocketed the photo with a grin.

“Yep its real. Now Ill go give you the name of a valuable informant. His name is Brammers lives up in tech haven a real ladies man. He should be able to help you find the clitoris.” Said Menome glowing.

Menome wrote down Brammers address on a tattered piece of paper and gave it to Jake.

“Do you know anything about the clitoris Menome?” asked Jake.

“Trust me after the picture you showed me I think I know enough” said Menome smiling.

“No the Clitoris of Ceres...Oh forget it” said Jake and he quickly left the club.

Jake gathered up some gear and went to the nearest vehicle depot. He mounted himself on his rusty old hover bike. He engaged the engines and blasted into the wastelands. He felt proud and majestic speeding over the land. But he soon felt like an idiot when he realised he hadn’t done up his trouser belt and his trousers came flying off.

[Hell-demon]

The shadowy hallways and humming of electricity was starting to get to Jake. He was at his destination: Tech Haven. Tech Haven seemed eerie to Jake and he was quite scared. He quickly jumped into a nearby apartment lift. He was now breathing hard because he was in unfamiliar territory. He quickly typed in Brammers’ apartment code and took the elevator to his apartment. When he reached the apartment a creepy silence filled the air. Jake slowly crept to the front door. He opened it.

A bra flew at his face.

“Do you mind this is private property!” yelled Brammers as a horde of half nude girls paraded around his apartment.

Jake was transfixed on you beautiful buxom girls cuddling Brammers in his purple dressing gown. The girls were happy and cute and having pillow fights in their underwear on Brammers’ king sized waterbed. And Brammers acted as if it was all normal.

“Can I help you?” asked Brammers.

“Huh….oh yeah…I’m a detective….” said Jake straining to concentrate.

“Ah I see what can I do for you detective?” said Brammers lighting his pipe and enjoying some heavy petting from two blonde twins.

“I was told you might be able to help me. Tell me Brammers have you seen a clitoris recently?”

“Many times boy many times” smirked Brammers.

The girls giggled.

“I mean the Clitoris of Ceres. Ring any bells?”

“Yes yes it does. You see every month my shipment of bikini wax is imported into Tech Haven. And I have some dominion over what is imported into Tech Haven, so when I saw in the shipment logs that a jewel was being imported I thought it was suspicious what with the recent theft. Sadly I lost track of it.”

“Well thanks Brammers. Erm just what are you doing with all these young ladies?” asked Jake.

“Oh…erm…well they are research assistants for my business” said Brammers stroking a girl who was holding onto his arm.

“Research? What kind of research?” said Jake.

“Biology” said Brammers with a grin.

The girls giggled. Jake just shrugged.

“Now detective if you excuse me my Jacuzzi water is getting cold. Come on ladies I have a fun game we can play evolving cooking oil and my busy busy hands” said Brammers leading the girls to his Jacuzzi. Jake left and the door closed on him with a big clunk.

“Lucky Bastard” muttered Jake under his breath.

When Jake got to ground level he felt empty. Brammers had all the ladies and luxury and he had nothing. Nothing apart from that sexy scantily dressed women waving at him from across the hallway. Wait a minute!

Jake rubbed his eyes. She was real and she didn’t have an adams apple it was a good sign.

“Have hot sweaty sex with me now Jake!” the woman cried.

Jakes eyes widened and he charged down the hallway. He quickly found himself getting closer and closer and actually going through the woman and into a very hard wall. She was a hologram and he was now twated to near unconsciousness.

When Jake awoke he found him self tied to a chair and deep in one of Tech Haven’s energy cores. On either side of him were two burly men in black suits firmly stationed. Jake looked around and realised he hadn’t scored with the woman and in fact had a very soar head. This seemed like a set-up.

“Ah detective dipshit” said a voice nearby.

Jake recognised the voice. It sounded ugly. In walked Ugly Roy dressed in a suit, probably something of a first. He had a cigar dangling from his mouth as always. He blew smoke into the air and laughed.

“Oh man am I glad to see you Roy. Look tell these guys to get lost and untie me would ya” said Jake.

“You’re a dumb ass Jake. I’m the reason you’re here, your exploits are quite well known and as such I found out about you looking for the Clitoris of Ceres” said Ugly Roy.

Roy pulled out the pink glistening jewel from under his sleeve. It gleamed in the artificial light produced by the energy core.

“Eeeewww what are you doing with a blood clot up your arm” said Jake.

“It’s a clitoris fuckwit!” yelled Ugly Roy.

“Okay Roy just hand over the clitoris and Ill make sure the cops go easy on you when you get arrested”

“I may be dumb Jake but I’m not stupid. I worked hard for this and I’m so close to uncovering its secrets. That’s why I moved my operations to Tech Haven so the science boffins could figure out how to decipher its hidden powers. You may know me as a lousy landlord but in the crime syndicate I’m a powerful businessman. Hence why I always have cigars” said Ugly Roy smiling.

“Oh you don’t believe that thing can give you sexual prowess do you?” said Jake.

“You may not have noticed this Jake but I’m an ugly ugly man. I’ve been ugly since the day I was born, in fact the doctor turned round and slapped my mother I was THAT ugly. I remember being a teenager and on the night of the big prom dance…well I was the guy serving punch”

“Oh yeah man I had that job too it sucked”

“But once this thing is figured out I will have ladies all over me. I wont have to pay prostitutes and stick a paper bag over my head, I wont have to sit in the back of restaurants and I wont have to buy women’s underwear on auction sites.” said Ugly Roy quite happily.

“That’s great Roy now you can let me go…” said Jake.

“ No way Jake you know to much”

“Well you shouldn’t have told me”

“Now I’m not a devious man…”

“No you’re an ugly man”

“Shut up you stupid fucker!” yelled Ugly Roy.

“So I guess seeing as I know about your perverted plan your going to kill me” said Jake bluntly.

“Exactly. But as I was saying I’m not a devious man so I’ll give you a choice of how you die. A luxury some people don’t have and a luxury a fuck like you doesn’t deserve. But I’m in a good mood so I’ll be nice.” Said Ugly Roy grinning.

“Oh crap”

“Now you can either die in the caverns of despair…”

“Nope not gonna happen”

“Or you get fucked in the ass with barbed wire”

“Yep caverns of despair for me”

[Hell-demon]

After a rough landing Jake Hard found himself in a dark and damp cavernous pit. The walls were paved with bones and darkness. Jake trembled slightly he could here a squeaking sound. And out from a tiny hole popped out a wee crab. Jake sighed with relief. The wee crab chirped at him.

“You scared me…what do you want?” said Jake.

The wee crab chirped at him again.

“Listen to me I’m talking to a wee crab. Oh well…you hungry little guy? Well I don’t have much food…erm I have a crusty sock if that’s what you want”

Jake handed the wee crab a crusty sock. To Jake’s surprise the wee crab gobbled it up. It belched and scurried off back into its hole. Jake was a bit overwhelmed by the weirdness of his situation.













THEN A HUGE FUCKING SWARM OF WEE CRABS DESCENDED UPON JAKE AND CARRIED HIM OFF INTO THE DARKNESS!

Jake quickly found him self surrounded by thousands of wee crabs that had dragged him into a coliseum like damp cavern. They had placed him on the moist ground and had encircled him. There were thousands upon thousands all glaring at him. There was a muffle from a close circuit of wee crabs. And from the crowd a wee crab emerged a wee crab with a huge brain.

“ALL HAIL KING WEE CRAB!” it said.

“HAIL!” shrieked the hordes of wee crabs in their puny voices.

The king wee crab approached Jake.

“Greetings upworlder. I am King Wee Crab welcome to my kingdom and who might you be?”

“HOLY FUCK!” shouted Jake.

“Do not be alarmed I am merely a wee crab with vast intellectual capacity” said King Wee Crab.

“Erm I’m Jake…and I’m very confused” said Jake looking around nervously.

“So you should be. We usually eat most upworlders but you showed kindness to one of our kind”

“To be honest it was just a crusty sock. ….look…erm why do you have a big…brain?”

“Well upworlder there has been much radiation seeping into the caverns. This radiation has mutated our kind and has made us different from most wee crabs. The radiation mutated me in such a way that I can know contemplate all things intellectual and mathematical”

“Wow guess you were very lucky”

“Not as lucky as the wee crab who grew two penises. Anyway your arrival has set our prophecy in motion. Now we can have our freedom!” said King Wee Crab.

“Prophecy?” said Jake confused.

“We the wee crabs prophesised an upworlder who put socks down his trousers…”

“Hey!”

“Let me finish….anyway this upworlder would lead us to the above world and help us crush the barricade erected by humans and allow us to travel to ancient breeding grounds where we can get da pusseh!”

The wee crabs cheered.

“You wee crabs just want to get laid. Hey I can relate. As long as you can help me get back at my ugly landlord then Ill gladly help” said Jake rather pleased.

“Excellent. You see the humans put up an electric fence connected to an outpost to stop their enemies from crossing their territory. This has hindered us. If you distract the humans and turn off the power we will attack the outpost.”

Jake nodded in agreement.

That night near a secluded outpost near the coast of the wasteland the army of wee crabs readied themselves for an attack. Jake Hard stealthily move past the outpost defences and spotted two guards looking at the stars. Jake had a good distraction. Jake remembered a photo he had taken in one of his cases where someone had died in an orgy from suffocating on extremely large breasts. Luckily Jake had it stashed in his breast pocket of his shirt. He casually walked up to the guards.

“Excuse me gentlemen have you seen this man?” said Jake handing them the photo.

The guards stared at the photo as if caught in at trance. Jake hastily went to the power grid and switched it off. Jake then ran out the outpost and up to the top of the nearby hillside where the wee crabs were in position.

“CHARGE!” shrieked King Wee Crab.

The army of wee crabs poured down the hillside and past the outpost defences. The guards had spotted the wee crabs charging at them.

“Woah this shit finally kicked in” said a guard looking at his joint of weed.

Sadly the inhabitants of the outpost were no match for the swarm of wee crabs and were devoured. Well okay slowly minutely devoured seeing as they are wee crabs and quite small. After the victory and after the destruction of the fence the wee crabs got tanked up on booze found in the outpost. Merriness was all over the outpost as wee crabs drunk, sang and toasted toes over small fires.

And in the morning the wee crabs huddled together and awaited a message from Jake.

“Wee Crabs lend me your…ears…claws er…..”

“Ill lend you a penis” said the Wee Crab with two penises.

“That’s quite alright” continued Jake, “Now we must go thwart my ugly land lord who cant get laid! You’ve fought hard and drunk hard but we must attack Tech Haven. And I promise when we get there we can get more booze”

“HOORAY!” cried the wee crabs.

King Wee Crab clambered over the crowds to Jake.

“ I would like to thank you Jake. We can now find true happiness and sex. Whether or not lady wee crabs find large throbbing brains attractive is still yet to be seen but I can dream. As a token of our appreciation we give you this triple thick woolly sock” said King Wee Crab clawing over a sock to Jake.

“Er thanks” said Jake.

[Hell-demon]

The sun glistened over the hills near Tech Haven filling the air with tranquillity. The huge entrance of Tech Haven was now guarded by an elite Special Forces unit sent by the Fallen Angels. To be honest the elite force was only made up of three people because the rest of the task force didn’t take the army of wee crab warnings seriously. The unit was comprised of the jittery Phayse, the squeamish Ressi Blade and the insane commander Ventrue. Who truly was insane because every time he went into battle he would always put a pair of fur dice round his neck to make him look intimidating.

The team gathered into position, poised and ready for the on coming swarm. Commander Ventrue decided a few words of encouragement would help his team seeing as they were destined for death.

“Alright troops we maybe facing extreme odds. They said wee crabs wouldn’t dare attack us, I said they would and now were going to get fucked. But you have to find comfort in war. I think of a happy moment in life to calm my nerves before battle. For me a happy moment was dressing up in my girlfriends clothes when she was away at work”

Phayse and Ressi looked at each other in confusion. The ammo was limited and it was only a matter of time before they were reduced to using flaming toilet roll. Commander Ventrue looked at Phayse who was now shaking.

“What’s up with you private?” said Commander Ventrue.

“Sir I think I soiled my pants….” Said Phayse whimpering.

“WHAT! Son you soil your military issue pants you soil the honour of this proud elite fighting force. I swear if we get out of this alive I’m gonna kill you”

Suddenly the huge army of wee crabs swarmed over the hills and headed towards the entrance in their droves. Fallen Angel high command was right a huge army of wee crabs was heading towards Tech Haven and it wasn’t a practical joke by a sensor technician. Although it did seem like it at the time. The troops positioned themselves by some crates ready to do battle against an army of…..well a lot too many to count.

“Alright troops…put your fingers on the trigger and breathe in and..aim..and watch me RUN LIKE A COWARD!” screamed Commander Ventrue as he ran to the entrance.

The swarm of wee crabs poured over the entrance of Tech Haven and devoured the troops.

Meanwhile in Brammers’ penthouse suit situated inside Tech Haven, Brammers was now with his fiancée Tricia. They were cuddling on his warm relaxing waterbed as soft music was being played in the background. Tricia rubbed her hands through Brammers’ thick chest hair and smiled.

“Tricia my darling let me show you a trick I picked up. I can remove your bra with one hand whilst removing your panties with nothing but my teeth” said Brammers caressing Tricia who was wearing only a bra, panties and a smile.
But before Brammers could actually show Tricia his womanising powers a huge contingent of wee crabs smashed through a ventilating duct and into the penthouse. Amongst the swarm was Jake who was brushing dust off his coat after getting out the duct.

“Sorry to burst in on you like this Brammers but we needed a covert way to get into Tech Haven. It’s the only way I can get the clitoris for a really good-looking lady. Could you honestly say no to a beautiful lady?” said Jake calmly.

“Certainly not dear boy. Carry on with your mission or what ever. But please tell your wee crabs to stay away from my caviar and porn collection” said Brammers pointing to the pilfering wee crabs.

“Speaking of beautiful ladies Brammers where are all those girls I saw in here yesterday?”

Tricia looked at Brammers in shock. Brammers went red.

“Brammers how could you! Do you know how much of a turn on that is for me!” exclaimed Tricia.

“WHAT!” said Jake and Brammers together.

Tricia grabbed Brammers and pinned him to the bed and madly kissed him. “Lucky bastard” muttered Jake and he and his army of wee crabs headed to the energy core of Tech Haven.

In a hidden lab near the core the clitoris stored in a glass chamber was being scanned by a group of scientists. Ugly Roy looked upon his prized possession with glee.

“I take it Jake took the bait” said Menome watching the scientists scanning the clitoris.

“Yep went just like planned. You send him to Tech Haven, I place the hologram and my henchmen beat the shit out of him. Well actually Jake beat the shit out of himself but it was all good” said Ugly Roy smiling.

“Now about my payment…” said Menome.

“Oh sure I got your payment” then Ugly Roy picked up a gatlin pistol from a nearby shelf and gunned down Menome. Ugly Roy laughed haughtily. But stopped after hearing footsteps drawing closer to him.

“How ya doing Ugly Roy?” said Jake grinning.

“You! How the fuck did you get out the pit of despair? Ah no matter Ill just shoot you” said Ugly Roy aiming his gun at Jake.

“You know what my all time hated sexual disease is….CRABS!” said Jake throwing a wee crab at Ugly Roy that he had concealed behind his back. The wee crab latched onto Ugly Roy’s face and started scratching at it. As Ugly Roy screamed in horror he dropped his gatlin pistol. Jake quickly grabbed the gun. He fired wildly at the scientists, but being a crap shot missed. Despite this the scientists ran for their lives. Jake dropped the now depleted gatlin pistol and smashed the glass chamber with his hand, which did hurt, and grabbed the Clitoris of Ceres. He ran to a ladder leading to the main retail area of Tech Haven.

Ugly Roy tore the wee crab from his face and stamped on it. He cried out in anger and frustration and followed Jake’s trail. Jake was surprised that his army of wee crabs were not around and that clearly the Fallen Angel security network must have cleaned them out. As he looked around the retail area for his wee crab friends Ugly Roy jumped him from behind. Ugly Roy tried to grab the Clitoris of Ceres from Jake’s grasp. They struggled over the clitoris until finally it squirmed out of their grasp and flew into the air. It was soon grasped by a firm hand. It was the hand of Brammers.

“Hello detective didn’t think I’d be seeing you here wrestling an ugly man with a clitoris in your hands. Just gone to get some towels my hands are all greasy from massage oils” said Brammers.

Sadly Brammers hands were quite greasy because the clitoris slipped out of his hand and fell onto the hard floor. It shattered into tiny fragments. And then something happened something strange. A powerful pink light shone from the fragments of the jewel and clung to Brammers. Ugly Roy and Jake looked at Brammers in awe, as they lay on the ground in mid wrestle.

“Brammers you have sexual prowess!” exclaimed Jake.

“Nothing new there my boy. Terribly sorry about the jewel…” but before Brammers could finish his sentence Tricia pounced on him from a retailer close by.

Ugly Roy punched Jake in the face knocking him to the ground. Jake held his now bleeding nose.

“You fuck! You stupid fuck! Now I’m gonna fuck you in the ass with barbed wire seeing as that’s the only joy I’m going to get out of you!” said Ugly Roy unzipping his trousers and pulling out some barbed wire from his pockets.

Jake trembled with fear. He was going to get fucked but not in the way he had hoped for. He closed his eyes and thought of Cherry Pop and how he had let her down. He was never going to have sex with her and the whole point of finding the jewel was to impress her. Now he wasn’t going to have fantastic sex her and have her cry out…

“ATTACK!” squealed a voice in the distance.

A whole army of wee crabs dropped out of a ventilation shaft high above and charged at Ugly Roy. They devoured Ugly Roy in a brutal fashion and vomited him shortly afterwards. The wee crabs helped Jake get back on his feet. King Wee crab descended from the ventilation shaft and landed gently on the ground.

“Thanks King Wee Crab you saved my ass, literally” said Jake relieved.

“Don’t mention it. Now my wee crab brethren and me are going to the breeding grounds and procreate” said King Wee Crab.

“Procreate?”

“Have sex”

“Oh well good luck. I certainly know I’m not going to get any. I’ve blown my chance to score with a hot girl.” Said Jake forlorn.

King Wee Crab patted Jake on the back. Brammers pushed Tricia aside and approached Jake. Brammers smiled.

“Look my boy you still have a chance to win this ladies heart. You just have to not treat her as a sex object. You know relax a little and be a kind gentlemen and a fun guy. That’s the secret with the ladies. You don’t need to get her fancy jewellery shaped like genitalia. Take it from me kid I know about matters of the heart” said Brammers rather cheerily.

Jake felt kind of humble by this advice Brammers had given him. He now knew what he had to do. He quickly waved his allies good-bye who in turned wished him the same. Jake rushed to the nearest gene replicated. Typed in the destination: Neocron Via Rosso. And was promptly teleported.

At Cherry Pop’s exquisite apartment Cherry had just got out of her luxury bath tub and was now wearing a towel that was tightly around her bosoms which were quite frankly very large. As she was getting her saucy lingerie on there was a knock at the door. It was Jake.

“Mr. Hard please come in” said Cherry.

Jake waked in and acted very calm. Jake pulled out a sock in his trousers. He wasn’t going to need it.

“So did you find the Clitoris of Ceres Mr. Hard?” asked Cherry.

“I’m sorry Miss but it was destroyed by a man with greasy hands and a ferocious sexual appetite” said Jake.

“You mean Lioon Reza destroyed it?”

“Nooooo. It’s gone Miss Pop. I’m sorry. I can give you a pet wee crab if it makes you feel better”

“SHIT! My only chance of finding a man who understands me. To be truly loved and find happiness. Gone…” said Cherry Pop quite sad.

Cherry sat down on her silk bed close by sulkily. Jake put on a sympathetic smile and sat next to her.

“Look Miss Pop you’re a good looking girl and a sweet one at that. But you don’t need men to be constantly wanting to have sex with you. You see you’re just lonely and want a good relationship. I mean its nothing wrong with you its just most guys are bastards” said Jake.

“Wow I guess your right. Sorry for putting you through so much trouble to find the clitoris” said Cherry slightly cheered up.

“Well I couldn’t let a sweet girl like you down. I did it to make you happy. And that’s what’s important” said Jake smiling.

Cherry looked into Jakes eyes. She slowly edged her way towards him and kissed him. She put her hands on his face and began kissing him passionately. Jake took off his leather coat and plopped it on the floor. They kissed passionately and Cherry removed her towel showing her magnificent body. Jake blushed and pulled out the extra sock he had stashed down his trousers. He kissed her naked body and sexual electricity was in the air.

Cherry looked at Jake and said:

“Is this a bad time to tell you I have chlamydia?”

Jake got his coat.

The End

[Hell-demon]

The next story features a character who I ove to bits, Killzor the sex crazed binge drinking psychopathic Warbot.

An unlikely candidate to fill Santa Clauses boots wouldn't ya think?


It was christmas time and it was a time for heart warming christmas stories, you know the kind some shmuck is given the job of being santa and then develops a love for the chistmas spirit blah blah blah.

I decide to piss all over this concept and add my own twisted touch. He's cocked locked and ready to rock. It's the Warbot Santa and he's in A Twisted Christmas Story.

[Hell-demon]

In the heart of the wastelands lived Grandpa Spickle who raised droms on his radioactive ranch. He was an old man and the radiation was starting to get to him. He sat in his leather chair in his cosy living room. He coughed up a cancerous tumour and put in a jar, which he placed on a shelf with the rest of his collection of tumour jars. He was thankful that the radiation wasn’t peeling off his skin. Just giving him cancer and impotence, which was all he could ever hope for.

It was Christmas Eve and he was exceptionally happy because his two darling grandchildren, Jimmy and Katie, were spending the night on his ranch. They were tucked in bed. Or so he thought, but to his surprise Jimmy and Katie dressed in their pyjamas waltzed into the living room.

“Why are you two awake at this time of night? Its way passed your bedtime” said Grandpa Spickle.

“We can’t get to sleep Grandpa. Someone’s molesting one of your droms outside” replied Katie.

“Hhhmm how about I tell you a bed time story to take your minds of it?” said Grandpa Spickle.

“Yeah” said Katie and Jimmy in unison.

Grandpa Spickle racked his brain for a good story. Maybe he could tell them the story of the Vampire Bikini Girls. But then realised they were probably a bit too young for that. Then he remembered a very good Christmas Story. Grandpa Spickle lit his pipe whilst Jimmy and Katie made themselves comfortable on the floor next to the fireplace. Grandpa Spickle cleared his throat and began his story.

“Where to begin..ah yes….”

It was a Christmas Eve in the city of Neocron and everyone was busy getting ready for Christmas Day. It was an exceptionally snowy and cold Christmas Eve, which was good because it killed off the homeless people who were a drain on the economy. Well good from an evil business perspective. In the City Administration a board of marketing directors were thinking of a way to make this Christmas a good one and make sure Christmas cheer was spread. The head of the directors, Michael Lazlo, was just about to tell the board his grand scheme.

“Gentlemen of the board we at Admin have worked on a new idea to make this Christmas extra special and improve the image of Admin at the same time” said Michael.

One of the directors spoke up.

“This better be good. Because last year we just had some bum dressed as Santa. He wasn’t a very good Santa either. When I asked him what he had in his Christmas sack he took off his trousers and pulled out his..”

“Yes yes we all know our Santa last year was of bad quality. But the boys in research and development have created something special. We have made a Copbot Santa. It’s basically a copbot dressed as Santa that delivers presents to people but also tracks down criminals. Nothing could go wrong”

And with those fatal words a scientist rushed into the meeting room, panting with a look of fear on his face.

“Sir we have a problem! I accidentally put that new Santa program into that newly captured Warbot..and..and ITS ESCAPED!” yelled the scientist.

“Oh crap” said Michael.

Thus began the rampage of the killer Warbot Santa. With the devious mind of a Warbot but with the subconscious of Santa, it smashed through the city plaza and stole kegs of beer from the local pubs; it drank the kegs and threw them at nearby law enforcers. It then cruised its way to the Pepper Park red light district and spied himself a nice little brothel.

“MMM HOE HOE HOES” it said before busting into the brothel. Several satisfied prostitutes later he came out to fulfil his bloodlust. To the Warbot’s delight he noticed a band of muggers attacking a helpless victim. The Warbot pulled out two chain guns and approached them. The trio of muggers stopped what they were doing and looked up in shock. The victim ran away and the Warbot aimed his guns at the muggers.

“MERRY CHRISTMAS FUCKERS” the Warbot exclaimed and gunned them down. The bullets ripped them to shreds…

“Grandpa” interrupted Jimmy, “what’s a fucker?”

“Err a very bad person. Now where was I…oh yes”

City Admin did not know what to do. They issued a warning to the citizens of Neocron:

ATTENTION CITIZENS BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR A SEX CRAZED BINGE DRINKING KILLER WARBOT DRESSED AS SANTA THAT HAS GONE ON A RAMPAGE IN THE CITY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

While Admin mobilised its forces the Warbot Santa was delivering presents to less fortunate children in the Outzone. Unfortunately the only “toys” the Warbot Santa had was weapons. But either way the children were delighted to receive hand grenades and depleted uranium shells. They could now play games like football, true they were using explosives but everyone in the Outzone could see their happiness. Well until one of the kids kicked a grenade into old Mrs Smith’s house and it went off.

The Warbot Santa stomped deeper into the Outzone. Unfortunately he wasn’t looking where he was going and trod on a small crummy shack, killing a person inside. The Warbot Santa heard the shriek of a little girl inside the remains of the shack.

“Oh no! You crushed my uncle,” the little girl cried.

The Warbot Santa looked at his foot and peeled off the squished uncle and discarded him. The little girl ran up to the Warbot Santa and kicked him. Suddenly his defence systems kicked in and using his built in laser eyes fried a teddy bear she had in her arms. The teddy turned to dust. The girl screamed. But deep in Warbot Santa’s cold programming his Santa sub conscience kicked in.

“ER…HO HO WHATS YOUR NAME LITTLE GIRL?” asked Warbot Santa

“Nina” she replied as she soiled her pyjamas.

“WOAH WHAT A SHIT HOME YOU GOT! YOU EVEN USE A BUCKET AS A TOILET!”

“Well I’m poor. I’ve had to live with my uncle, ever since one the project directors of Tangent Technologies had my parents killed because they wouldn’t create weapons of mass destruction. So I lived with my uncle. I’m only seven and now I’ve got nowhere to go now,” Nina said glumly.

“THAT DIRECTOR SURE IS AN ASSHOLE. HEY LETS GO PAY HIM A VISIT!”

And with those words Warbot Santa put Nina on his shoulder, ignited his jet packs and rocketed into the night’s sky, leaving a toxic cloud of fumes that would give the residents of Outzone breathing problems in the years to come.

[Hell-demon]

The fireplace of Grandpa Spickle’s living room gave warmth to his grandchildren and himself. It was a nice peaceful atmosphere. That was until Grandpa Spickle coughed up a tumour, which he promptly put in a beanbag he was making out of tumours. The children started to gag.

“So what happened next Grandpa?” asked Jimmy.

“Well let’s see…Ah yes soon after the arrival of the bikini the Brazilian wax was back in fashion...and…oh WAIT! Wrong story…er…yes the Warbot Santa story…okay. So…”

In the tall foreboding Tangent Technologies building the employees were hard at work. They were quite sad because they weren’t getting a Christmas bonus this year. Meanwhile a project director by the name of Alex Creed was smoking a huge cigar and smiling happily about Tangents stock figures. He was content knowing that he had screwed lots of people over to become very successful. His contentment was soon halted by the Warbot Santa crashing through his office ceiling.
Alex trembled with fear at the sight of a huge Warbot dressed as Santa who had a small girl dressed in pyjamas perched on his shoulder. The Warbot Santa clenched his fists with pride.

“Listen you two I’m not afraid to call security….and they’ll be here...and…and they will shoot you” said Alex sweating

“JUST TRY IT BITCH! YOU WONT GET MUCH RESPONSE SEEING AS A WIPED OUT HALF THE SECURITY FORCE BEFORE I CAME TO VISIT A SCRAWNY LTTLE BITCH LIKE YOU” said Warbot Santa.

“What do you want?” winced Alex.

“YOU MADE THIS KID AN ORPHAN, A POOR ONE. GIVE HER YOUR WALLET! AND YOUR JEWELLERY YOU BITCH!”

Alex quickly gave Nina his wallet that was loaded with money; he also gave her several shiny pieces of jewellery, even though she was seven years old she knew she could pawn them for a decent price. The Warbot Santa glared at Alex.

“AND THE RING YOU LITTLE SHIT!”

“But…my…my wife gave it to me” shrieked Alex.

“YOUR WIFE GAVE ME A BLOWJOB BUT IM NOT MOANING ABOUT IT! NOW HAND OVER THE RING ASSWIPE!”

Alex complied and handed over the ring to Nina who was now quite happy.

“Please…don’t hurt me! I’ve given you my stuff. Just leave please!” blubbered Alex.

“AH QUIT WHINING YOU LITTLE WHORE. YOU FUCK WITH PEOPLE SO NOW IM GONNA FUCK WITH YOU BITCH!”

“Please no!” cried Alex

“NINA CLOSE YOUR EYES” said Warbot Santa quite tenderly.

Nina closed her eyes and put her hands over her ears. The Warbot Santa picked Alex up and ripped him in half. His blood splattered all over his desk and onto a plaque that read, “Bless this mess”. Then the Warbot Santa made balloon animals out of Alex’s intestine. He made a nice little poodle, which he then gave to Nina.

“Eeewww!” shrieked Nina.

With the gory deed done Warbot Santa engaged his jet packs and rocketed out of Tangent Technologies with Nina firmly on his shoulder. They soared high into the misty cold sky above the city of Neocron leaving a trail of toxic fumes, which was now descending, onto the Neocron School for the Blind. Nina figured this would be an ideal time to ask him quite a pertinent question.
“Santa why don’t you give children toys?”

“HUH! WELL I FIGURE KIDS LIKE SHARP POINTY AND DEADLY THINGS. I FEEL GOOD KNOWING THAT I’VE SCARED A KID’S PARENT SHITLESS BY GIVING THEIR CHILD A ROCKET PROPELLED GRENADE LAUNCHER” said Warbot Santa smirking.

“But what about giving them cute cuddly things?”

“YOU MEAN LIKE PROSTITUTES?”

“NO! Like a teddy bear or a dolly. You know stuff suitable for kids”

“YOU MEAN STUFF LIKE DRUGS???”

“Look we have more than enough money to buy lots of toys for the children of Neocron. How about we stop off at the nearest toy store and buy some toys”

“AWWW HELL I WANTED TO SPEND THAT CASH ON BOOZE AND HOOKERS, BUT HEY YOU’RE THE ORPHAN”

The Warbot Santa jetted his way to the nearest toy store. Once there the duo shopped for toys and put their purchases into a big sack. And once Nina persuaded the Warbot Santa to pay the shopkeeper rather than kill him they soon took flight and started to deliver toys to all the children of Neocron. Meanwhile in a shady Crahn abbey several members of the psi supremacy group the Clu Clux Crahn were holding a meeting.

In the dingy abbey the leader of the group, Father Dread Magorian was about to inform his congregation of the Warbot Santa. He stepped up to the podium, made sure his flies were done up and put his lips to the microphone.

“Brothers!”

“Ahem and sisters” corrected a female member.

“Fine…okay Brothers and Sisters!”

The female member sat down with a smile on her face.

“We are all aware of the Warbot Santa that is spreading Christmas cheer in Neocron. He is defying our beloved Crahn with a message that does not stand for psi supremacy but for a holiday season. Worst yet he has given weapons to none psi. We must stop him. I have contacted a few agents to help lure the Warbot to this abbey. We will then destroy him!” said Father Dread with a big evil grin, the kind that shows he hasn’t brushed his teeth in a long time.

The members cheered and prepared themselves…..HECkk hWArrff!!!

Grandpa Spickle stopped as he coughed up another tumour. The children went pale with disgust.

“Well that’s radiation for you kids. Anyway...er…hang on kids I got the runs”

And so Grandpa Spickle rushed out of his chair and to the bathroom. This made the kids wish they weren’t related to him, but he was a lot nicer than Uncle Pete who had a glass eye that constantly dropped into his drinking water.

[Hell-demon]

Grandpa Spickle’s drom ranch gave off an unhealthy yet comforting green glow. The radiation was rife and deadly but peaceful none the less. But that tranquillity was soon ruined by the sounds of Grandpa Spickle using his home colonic irrigation kit. The children shuddered at the noises. After Grandpa Spickle had removed most of his bowels he returned to the living room to regale a Christmas story to his now traumatised grandchildren.

“Now where was I?…..oh yes the Warbatty thing..” said Grandpa Spickle.

“You mean Warbot” corrected Katie.

“Oh yes now I remember…anyway”

Nina and Warbot Santa flew into the dreary night sky. The City Admin armed forces tried to take them out with heavy artillery. You know the kind that goes tucka tucka zeeeeoooo kapow!!!!

“Er Grandpa?”

“Woops sorry…erm…anywho…”

But despite this they still managed to visited peoples homes to deliver presents. It’s a well now fact that homes in Neocron don’t have chimneys. And so being a traditional Santa with all the chimney travelling and raiding of mince pies can’t be possible. And so you can’t be stealthy when delivering presents either. So a huge bulky Warbot coming into your home to deliver a present is as about as subtle as a turd on a white carpet.

And so Nina and the Warbot Santa broke into homes any way. This usually woke up the house owner, but they were usually very compliant to have a Warbot visit. Well you would be too if it was threatening to rip off your jaw and stick it in your eye socket.

While the menacing Clu Clux Crahn plotted the Warbot Santa’s demise, Nina and Warbot Santa were delivering presents to the Johnson family in their beautiful home. The Johnson family were now trembling at the site of a Warbot breaking into their home, drinking their whisky and rummaging under Mr. Johnson’s bed mattress for pornography. But Nina quickly made Warbot Santa attend to his duties. The Warbot Santa rummaged through his Christmas sack.

“ERR….FOR YOU LITTLE BOY I GOT YOU A HOVER BIKE” said Warbot Santa giving little Timmy Johnson a nice shiny new hover bike.

“What do you say son?” said Mr. Johnson in fear.

“I think I peed myself” said little Timmy.

“THAT’S YA PENIS TELLING YOU MERRY CHRISTMAS KID”

The Warbot Santa looked at the Johnson family’s teenage daughter Sarah. He rummaged through his sack while Sarah was shaking with fright.

“AND FOR YOU MISS I GOT YOU A PACK OF CIGARETTES AND A MAKE UP BAG. HOPE THIS WILL MAKE YOU THINK OF AN ENTERPRISING CAREER AS A CHAIN SMOKING WHORE” said Warbot Santa with a grin.

The Johnson family looked at the Warbot Santa in horror. Well everyone in the family except Sarah who was now lighting one up. And so with the Johnson family scared shitless, Warbot Santa put Nina on his shoulder and he blasted off into the polluted skies. Mr. Johnson broke down and cried, Mrs Johnson fainted, Timmy peed himself some more and Sarah went into a coughing fit. All in all another successful delivery.

As the Warbot Santa flew high above the buildings he spotted something below. It was a homeless bum nestled near some garbage in an alleyway. The Warbot Santa was a bit confused.

“WHO THE HELL IS THAT GUY???” said Warbot Santa pointing to the bum.

“It looks like a homeless person. He looks so cold and hungry” replied Nina sympathetically.

“HA HA WHAT A RETARD!”

“Can’t we help him Santa?”

“WHAT! WHY SHOULD WE HELP THAT FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE?”

“Please”

The Warbot Santa’s subconscious kicked in and he complied. He landed near a Chez Cypher restaurant, which with no trouble at all he raided several lobster sandwiches from. He stomped his way over to the bum with Nina following behind him. The bum looked up at the Warbot Santa and clearly soiled his pants. The Warbot Santa shoved a sandwich in the bum’s mouth.

“EAT THIS” said the Warbot Santa with fire in his eyes.

“Er…thank you” muffled the bum.

“EAT THIS ONE TOO” said the Warbot Santa shoving another sandwich in the bum’s face. The bum chewed quickly and gulped with fear. His eyes widened with fright.

“YOU FULL YOU LITTLE BITCH!?”

“Yes thank you…” said the bum shaking.

“OK NOW I WANT YOU TO GO GET SOME LIGHTER FLUID, POUR IT OVER YOURSELF AND SET FIRE TO YOURSELF SO YOUR NOT SO FUCKING COLD YOU LITTLE BITCH!”

“But Ill die!”

“OH BOO FUCKING HOO. I GIVE YOU A SANDWICH AND YOU FUCKING WHINE YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT!” said the Warbot Santa raising his fists in anger.

“Hey where did that little girl go?” said the bum about to get pummelled.

The Warbot Santa stopped just as he was about to give the bum a nice uppercut. He looked around. Nina was gone. The Warbot Santa quickly grabbed the bum by his groin and lifted him up.

“WHERE IS SHE!? YOU GET ONE OF YOUR HOBO BUDDIES TO STAB HER WITH THEIR HOBO KNIFE OR A BROKEN BOTTLE YOU LITTLE FUCK? HUH!”

“I don’t know!” shrieked the bum.

“I THINK ILL MAKE A NECKLACE OUT OF HOBO GROINS….STARTING WITH YOU!”

But before the Warbot Santa could make do on his promise a dart was shot at the bum’s head from a person unknown. The bum slumped to the ground. The Warbot Santa pulled the dart from the bum’s head; there was a note attached. It read:

We the Clu Clux Crahn have your none psi friend. We will kill the little whelp. How do like them apples fuck face!

The Warbot Santa scrunched up the piece of paper and loaded the rocket launcher attached to his back.

“HASTA LA VISTA BABY” he said.

“Grandpa?” interrupted Jimmy.

“Yes” replied Grandpa Spickle

“Isn’t that from a movie?”

“I’m pretty sure it isn’t”

“Grandpa?”

“Yeees”

“Your full of shit you know that”

[Hell-demon]

The mist of the night sky was expanding faster than a prostitute’s vagina…

“Eeeww Grandpa” said Jimmy

“Ahem…sorry…moving on…”

Warbot Santa was hot on the trail of the infamous Clu Clux Crahn, his built in naughty list had the directions of their base of operations. He stormed down the seedy streets crushing gangsters, the homeless and the ignorant in the process. Until eventually he came to the unholy Crahn Abbey. It seemed almost deserted inside.

The Warbot Santa edged his way deeper into the reception area of the abbey. He was surprised there was a reception area; in fact there was even a crèche. But he got the feeling he was not alone. And sure enough he was right because behind was a very arrogant psi monk.

“Where the fuck did you come from?” cried the psi monk.

“YA MOM’S HOUSE BITCH” said Warbot Santa.

“How dare you insult me! We were told to expect you. Now you will feel the wrath of a being far greater than yourself” said the psi monk harnessing his psi energy.

“OH SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SCAWNY FUCK WIT” said Warbot Santa. And with those words the Warbot Santa head butted the psi monk. When the psi monk got back on his feet after this fatal blow, the Warbot Santa stuck a grenade up the psi monk’s anus and promptly threw him at the monolithic gates that lead to the main chamber of the abbey. As to be expected with most grenades inserted anally the psi monk exploded on contact with the gates and destroyed them in the act.

The Warbot Santa triumphantly walked into the chamber. But it was not over yet because a psi priestess was now charging at him with a rather crappy knife. This presented no threat to the Warbot Santa and he merely bitch slapped her. The psi priestess was slightly dazed by this but quickly charged at him again. And so the Warbot Santa pinned her frail little body to the ground.

“Unhand me you mechanised ass hole!” screamed the psi priestess.

“YOU KNOW YOUR PRETTY HOT FOR A PSI CHICK” said the Warbot Santa smirking.

“Er...I am?” said the psi priestess blushing.

“HOW ABOUT YOU SIT ON SANTA’S LAP AND WE TALK ABOUT THE FIRST THING THAT POPS UP”

“Hee hee”

The psi priestess found her self strangely attracted to the Warbot Santa. The Warbot Santa held her tightly in his arms and tore off her clothes…
Grandpa Spickle stopped. The children looked at him in shock.

“And er…then she put her clothes back on because nudity is wrong so very very wrong…now erm…where was I?…oh yes!”

With the priestess subdued the Warbot Santa marched down to the alter of the abbey. And standing by the alter was Father Dread with Nina by his side tied up and with duct tape round her mouth.

“HOLY SHIT! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS PUT DUCT TAPE ROUND HER MOUTH TO SHUT HER UP…WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT” said Warbot Santa.

“I’m sorry the rest of my congregation could not be here for your arrival but we decided to be fair on you seeing as you wouldn’t last long against us” said Father Dread pompously.

“IN OTHER WORDS THEY CHICKENED OUT BECAUSE THEY’RE SHIT SCARED OF ME”

“Er..no….not at all” said Father Dread knowing quite well that was the case.

“ITS JUST ME AND YOU NEEDLE DICK”

“Fine I admit it! My congregation are all fucking cowards! But I am willing to destroy you. But of course I’m a spineless asshole and am just going to detonate the explosives I’ve planted in the abbey. Har har!”

The Warbot Santa looked around the abbey. And sure enough Father Dread had planted explosives on the pillars in the abbey. The Warbot Santa shrugged.

“YOU ARE SUCH A DIPSHIT”

“You are a fool, I lured you here and now that I have you here I can annihilate you and be a saviour of Neocron”

The Warbot Santa clenched his fists with rage. But that wasn’t really going to help because Father Dread soon grabbed Nina, triggered the detonator and jumped out of a nearby window whilst looking like a complete retard in the process. Nina was unscathed by the shards of glass mostly because Father Dread had gotten most of it. As Father Dread and Nina landed on the ground below from their spectacular yet not so graceful jump out the window, the abbey exploded with ferocity.

“The End”

“What!?” exclaimed Katie and Jimmy.

“Let it be lesson to you kids that life is a bitch” said Grandpa Spickle gleaming.

“Is that how it really ends?” asked Katie.
“No I just wanted to say life’s a bitch”

The fires of the Crahn Abbey were high and mighty. It was a blazing inferno of rumble and ash. The heat was tremendous but also rewarding for the nearby mutants. They could now have a happy Christmas. They cooked the flesh of humans; told stories and played games like seeing how many rodents they could stick down their trousers. Near the abbey was Father Dread and the helpless Nina. Father Dread laughed at his handy work and danced around shouting “I got him I got him!”. He decided to finish his dance with a pelvic thrust, which just showed how much of an arrogant prick he was.

He walked up to Nina, peeled off the duct tape round her mouth and slowly throttled her.

“Yes I want to hear your last breath you insignificant none psi cretin. Feel the grip of death. Does it feel good knowing your going to die!” said Father Dread with an evil grimace.

“DOES IT FEEL GOOD TO KNOW YOUR MOM’S A WHORE!”

Father Dread stopped and looked in awe at the Warbot Santa coming out of the raging inferno that was the Crahn Abbey. The Warbot Santa was pumped up and wielding a piece of metal scaffolding he had gathered from the remains of the abbey. His robotic eyes were now gleaming red. Father Dread’s pants were now gleaming yellow.

“What! You’re alive! What the fuck!” exclaimed Father Dread.

“YOU COULD DROP A NUKE ON ME AND I’D STILL BE ABLE TO KICK YOUR ASS WITH NOTHING BUT A TOOTHPICK. I AINT NO TOY ROBOT BITCH” said Warbot Santa.

Father Dread pushed Nina aside and gathered his psi energy. He levitated in mid air due to the sheer power of his psionic powers.

“Any last words fuckbot?”

“YEAH, MERRY CHRISTMAS FUCKER”

With those final words the Warbot Santa charged at Father Dread and swiftly decapitated him with the scaffolding. His head hurtled high into the air and deep into Neocron. It soared high and was heading straight to president Reza’s manor house. President Reza was lying in bed debating with his wife that they should have sex. This debate was soon interrupted as the head smashed through a window and into their bedroom.

“When I asked you to give me head I didn’t mean this!” exclaimed Reza.

“Grandpa that’s a terrible joke” interrupted Jimmy.

“I could of done a lot worse boy…now back to the story…”

With Nina safe the Warbot Santa put her on his shoulder. Nina cuddled his head. The Warbot Santa frowned.

“Oh Santa you saved me!” said Nina.

“BAH LETS JUST SAY THAT PSI PRICK GOT A HEAD OF HIMSELF” said Warbot Santa.

“Grandpa!” shouted Jimmy interrupting.

“Fine fine…no more bad jokes…so anyway…”

The night was not over yet and the both of them knew this. They rocketed house-to-house delivering Christmas cheer, sorry I meant Christmas Fear. But at least the people of Neocron were getting presents as well as verbal abuse. After a long and laborious night they came to the last house, the Atriel family. The Atriel family weren’t technically a family more of a couple. They were a sad couple too knowing that they couldn’t conceive children, also lots of bad stuff had happened to them this Christmas. They sat in their big, yet empty home. They were huddled on their couch looking glum; they thought things couldn’t get worse. They changed their minds when the Warbot Santa came crashing through the front door.

“HO HO HO BITCHES!” Warbot Santa yelled. He soon dropped the Christmas cheer act when he saw the couple mopping.

“FUCK WHATS UP WITH YOU TWO SOMEONE DIE OR SOMETHING?”

“Well yes actually my father” said Mrs. Atriel.

“AH WHAT CAN I SAY SHIT HAPPENS”

Nina frowned and rummaged through the Christmas sack that was now wearing thin.

“GOT ANY PORN?” asked Warbot Santa

The couple didn’t reply.

“DAMN WHY CAN’T YOU FUCKING SMILE”

“We just found out we can’t conceive children” cried out Mr. Atriel in frustration.

“TRIED HAVING SEX, THAT USUALLY DOES THE TRICK”

“Yes you insensitive….” Mr. Atriel stopped just in case he said something he would regret.

Nina withdrew a collection of fine cigars from the sack.

“Er… merry Christmas?” said Nina handing out the cigars.

“ILL TAKE THOSE KID DON’T WANT THEM SMOKING THEM AND HAVING ONE OF THEM DIE. SHIT THEY GOT ENOUGH CRAP TO CRY ABOUT” said Warbot Santa snatching the cigars from Nina’s hand.

Nina felt quite sad for the family. And she considered her own situation as an orphan.

“Santa?” said Nina.

“YES WHAT IS IT?”

“Well seeing as I’m an orphan and they don’t have a child maybe I could live with them.”

Mr and Mrs Atriel quickly perked up.

“ERR…SURE WHY THE HELL NOT KID. MIGHT STOP ‘EM FROM TAKING PROZAC OR KILLING THEMSELVES OR SOMETHING”

Mr and Mrs Atriel gasped with joy and Nina quickly ran up to her new parents and gave them a big hug.

“THANK FUCK IM NOT PROGRAMMED TO FEEL SENTIMENTAL”

After the heart-warming moment died down, Nina relinquished her grip of her new parents.

“Where will you go now Santa?” asked Nina.

“WELL KID THERE ARE SOME FINE ASS BITCHES IN NEOCRON THAT NEED PIMPIN’. I’LL PROBABLY GET DRUNK AND HAVE CASUAL SEX AND THAT’S ALL I COULD EVER ASK FOR. TAKE CARE NINA”

And so the Warbot Santa ignited his jet pack, the Atriel family waved him good bye as he jetted into the night.

“MERRY CHRISTMAS FUCKERS!” he shouted as he rocketed to a near by brothel.

“The End” said Grandpa Spickle.

Jimmy and Katie were now quite happy after that nice yet disturbing story. But it still left a few questions.

“So what happened to Warbot Santa?” asked Jimmy.

“Well Jimmy every Christmas his Santa programming kicks in and he delivers presents to the people of Neocron as well as fine ass bitches if you so desire”.

“What happened to Nina?” asked Katie.

“Oh she grew up into an attractive intelligent young lady. And like most attractive intelligent young ladies she became a prostitute” said Grandpa Spickle slightly deranged.

“And what happened to that dip shit who programmed the wrong Santa?” asked Jimmy.

“Well you see Jimmy...I was that dip shit”

Grandpa Spickle laughed. Then the children laughed. Then Grandpa Spickle coughed up a tumour. After the pleasantries Grandpa Spickle tucked his grand children in bed. As he was doing so they could see a faint glimmer through the bedroom window. The glimmer was now getting closer to the ranch. It rocketed over the ranch and bellowed:

“MERRY CHRISTMAS FUCKERS!”

The End

[Hell-demon]

Killzor is a great character in a wierd way. In fact the way I percieve Neocron in general is wierd. Crahn are shady evil denisens, the police force are sexually active and unstable, robots have attitude and no person is sane.

This is shown in my next story which I present to you. It's called War and Prostitutes.

[Hell-demon]

The winds howled as they drifted across the wastelands. Dust clouds brushed against the Military Base with ease. The environment wasn’t too horrible but not too luxurious either. The security guards of the Military Base stood in position to receive commands. In the distance the sounds of mutants could be heard screeching, probably because a female mutant was stripping for the mutants and by stripping I mean peeling off her skin and getting cash put in her radiated bikini.

At the entrance of the base corporal Cento was impatiently waiting for the new training commander to make his appearance. He tapped his feet and sighed. Then he could feel a presence behind him. A dark silhouette loomed over him and Cento slowly turned round. And standing in front of him was a huge warbot
armed with a rocket launcher and had a fine cigar dangling from his mouth.

“COMMANDER KILLZOR REPORTING FOR DUTY YOU LITTLE BITCH” said Killzor.

Cento dropped his jaw in shock. He straightened his uniform and tried to think straight.

“City Mercs must be kiddin’ me. A warbot with a cigar is going to train new recruits. This is some sort of twisted joke. I bet you haven’t received the proper training!” said Cento rather perturbed.

“I WOULD OF GOT THE PROPER TRAINING BUT I WAS TOO BUSY FUCKING YOUR MOM LAST NIGHT” said Killzor smirking.

A moment of silence took hold of them. A small tumbleweed drifted passed and Cento gazed up at Killzor.

“Er…well anyway the new recruits will be here. So your duty is to take them to sector 3 cargo hold and brief them on their situation and train them. Understood?” said Cento.

“YUHUH. SO WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LAST DRILL INSTRUCTOR OR WHATEVER?” asked Killzor.

“Well a recruit wagered that the last training commander wasn’t a hard man and that he wouldn’t last five minutes if he ate uranium. So to prove the recruit wrong he swallowed half a barrel of uranium to show how manly he was. Next thing we now he’s shitting blood out of his anus, spewing sinal fluid and to top it off his head exploded. And worst yet I was the one who had to clean up the whole fucking mess”

“HA HA SUCKS TO BE YOU!”

“No sucks to be you. The new recruits are here” said Cento grinning and heading indoors.

A large troop carrier drove its way up to the entrance and parked outside. Killzor readied himself and thought of a way to not offend the new recruits and refrain from using the word “bitches”.
“I HOPE THESE RECRUITS ARE HARDENED KILLERS READY FOR ACTION” said Killzor talking to himself and grinning.

Then a scruffy looking recruit flung himself out carrier and said in a puny voice:

“I was sick on the drive here”

“AH FUCK”

Later that day the new recruits had been sorted into teams and given to appropriate instructors. Killzor was given a team of six new recruits, which had been given the name “Sheizer Company”. Killzor thought the word “Sheizer” was German for shit, but the other training commanders told him it wasn’t and laughed at him behind his back. And so they should because the team wasn’t the best Neocron had to offer. Sheizer Company was awaiting inspection in the cargo hold in sector 3 of the Military Base.

The six recruits were lined up and ready for inspection. Killzor lit a cigar put it to his mouth, put on his leather black cow boy hat and strolled down to the cargo hold. With his clipboard and abuse ready for the recruits he eyed the first recruit up.

The first recruit was an rather elderly lady who was wearing a PVC outfit and fishnet stockings. She had a wrinkled face and smeared makeup and a rather weedy cigarette dangling from her dry lips. Killzor shuddered. He looked at his clipboard with the lists of new recruits and previous occupations.

“ACCORDING TO THIS YOUR NAME IS DARLA AND…YOU’RE AN EX FUCKING PROSTITUTE WHO WANTS TO BE A MEDIC! HA HA! WHAT THE FUCK! HELL YOU LOOK LIKE YOU NEED A MEDIC!” said Killzor laughing.

“Just coz I got myself a few sexual diseases and wrinkly skin doesn’t mean I can’t fix someone up with a first aid kit. My second husband taught me how to do brain surgery in the dark. Probably coz he was a brain surgeon and we would usually make woopie in his surgery in the dark. And as for prostitution…well it pays the bills and I have had plenty of clients” said Darla sourly and coughing on her cigarette.

“EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN AND YOUR ROSE HAS SEEN PLENTY OF PRICKS. OH BOY WHOS NEXT?” said Killzor moving up the next person.

“WHATS YOUR NAME SON?”

“Er…Jake Hard ..erm…oh..yeah SIR!” said Jake trying desperately to make a good impression.

“WHAT THE FUCK BOY! ARE THOSE MILITARY ISSUE SOCKS STUCK DOWN YOUR PANTS?!” said Killzor looking down at Jake’s trousers.

“Sir yes Sir!” said Jake blushing afterwards.

“HOLY FUCK YOU’RE AN IDIOT! I HOPE YOU CAN SHOOT BETTER THAN YOU DRESS. ALRIGHT WHOS NEXT?”

Killzor waltzed up to the next recruit who was a jittery young lady with blue hair and a twitch in her eye.

“WHATS YOUR NAME YOU TWITCH BITCH?”

“Oh my name is FUCKING TITTY SHIT COCK ASS! Kira Zim” said Kira twitching.

Killzor’s eyes widened. He looked at his clipboard.

“SAYS HERE YOU’RE THE DEMOLITIONS EXPERT WITH TOURETTES…SO WHY DO YOU LIKE YOUR JOB YOU FUCKING WEIRDO?” said Killzor pressing his face against Kira’s.

“Well sir I like making huge FUCKING TWAT BANG!”

“TWAT BANG?”

“Er…explosions..sir”

Killzor stood back a little shocked. He walked up to the next recruit who had slicked back black hair an evil grin and a rather nasty looking Liberator attached to his belt.

“WHATS YOUR NAME KID?” asked Killzor.

“The names Revan sir and I’m here to kick ass and chew bubblegum” said Revan smiling.

“THE FACT THAT YOU SAID THAT FUCKING SHIT LINE MAKES ME WANT TO BREAK YOUR NECK. LUCKILY FOR YOUR DUMB ASS IT’S AGAINST MERC POLICY. WHOS THE NEXT FUKWIT THEN?” said Killzor strafing to the next recruit.

The fifth recruit was a young attractive woman with a rifle slung on her back. She had long tied back flowing hair and blue eyes as well as ample breasts. Her name was Infinity Daze.

“HOLY SHIT BITCH IF YOU DON’T BECOME A SOLDIER YOU COULD BE A FINE ASS STRIPPER” said Killzor ogling Infinity.

“Sir that was my last job, sir!” said Infinity.

“HA! HOW CAN A STRIPPER BE A GOOD SOLDIER!”

“Sir when I’m on the battlefield I dodge bullets like I dodge perverts trying to grab my ass”

Killzor looked at the last recruit. Even though Killzor was a robot he started to gag. The last recruit was something of a strange one. He or it or what ever went by the name of Tentacle and was for a choice of better words a one eyed green blob with tentacles. Tentacle had a very bad existence which stems back to a rich and influential porn company. This porn company wanted a tentacle monster for their next upcoming film so they paid Biotech handsomely to genetically engineer one. Sadly the porn company went bankrupt and Tentacle was left without a job. Until now at least.

“WHO THE FUCK SNEEZED YOU OUT!” said Killzor staring at tentacle.

“Tentacle reporting for duty sir as this teams communication expert. I may be a green blob sir but from my days of porno I can incapacitated orifices, handy for the battle field I think” said Tentacle oozing slime on the steel cargo hold floor.

“IS THAT SO? WELL MAYBE YOU COULD STICK ONE OF YOUR TENTACLES IN THE BIGGEST ORAFICE YOU HAVE, YOUR FUCKING BIG MOUTH! WHAT YA GONNA DO MAKE THE ENEMY VOMIT TO DEATH OR WILL YOU JUST MOLEST THEIR ASSES TILL THEY GIVE IN TO SUBMISSION!”

“Hey fuck you bitch!” cried out Tentacle.

Killzor turned to face the recruits. He pouted out his chest.

“I HAVE ONE THING TO SAY…..YOUR ALL FUCKING WEIRD FUCKS AND I WISH YOU WOULD ALL FUCK OFF BACK TO WHAT EVER SCUMMY PART OF THE EARTH OR INSANE ASYLUM YOU CAME FROM. DISMISSED!”

The recruits filed them self in an orderly line and headed to their barracks. On the way the new recruits indulged in pleasant conversation. But Jake on the other hand was transfixed on Infinity. He adored her shapely body so much so he tripped over his own feet while walking with the other recruits. Kira tried to have a conversation with Jake.

“I hope Ill be making some huge FUCKING TWAT BANG! So erm…my names Kira what’s your name FUCK FACE! And why are you looking at Infinity’s COCK BADGER PISS body?” said Kira noticing Jake’s gaze was elsewhere.

“Well Kira how can I put this in words you’ll understand…erm…lets just say she's one twat I want to bang” said Jake grinning.

“You’re going to explode her?”

[Hell-demon]

A dark pulsating mist drifted over the Crahn Sector in the Dome of York. An eerie presence could be felt by all the Psi monks and unease washed over them. Darkness loomed over the Crahn Church, which was crammed with dark denizens. The interior was dimly lit and several hundred psi monks awaited a grand speech from a dark overlord. This overlord was tall and gleamed with a dark resonance coming from his body. The psi monks were eager to hear from this person. For this person was Crahn.

Crahn stared at his congregation with pride. He wanted to encourage his minions. He began to speak.

“My children your father Crahn all mighty has returned. A dark time is upon us and we must cleanse this land of all…”


PHAAAAAARRRRP!

Crahn paused and the horde of psi monks quickly turned and looked at a lone monk who was smirking and going red.

“Excuse me” he sad smiling.

Crahn took a deep breath.

“Oh thankyou thankyou you filthy little shit! I was building up a nice sinister atmosphere and you had to ruin it by farting you little fuckwit!” said Crahn annoyed.

The monk shrugged and the other psi monks turned to face Crahn. Crahn continued with his speech.

“There is much impurity and I am sickened by those who condemn us and have lack of psionic powers. We are the next evolutionary step and we must rise up and…”



PHAAAARRRRPPP!

The psi monks looked at the flatulent monk again with fierce looks in their eyes. Crahn stopped and sighed.

“Whoops! Guess I’m still working that rat burger. Man I’m gonna have a sticky night” said the monk rubbing his belly.

“RIGHT! THAT DOES IT!” shouted Crahn.

Crahn lifted his hands and aimed them at the monk. He fired a bolt of lightning at the monk which instantly barbequed him. The other monks quickly shrieked and ran away.

In the lower levels of the Military Base the whole of Sheizer Company were all seated round an immaculate desk in a briefing room. The only lighting was coming from a projection unit spraying light onto a rather grubby black board. Killzor fiddled with his clipboard, clicked his pen and called out the recruit register.

“DARLA” called out Killzor.

“Present hun” said Darla putting her cigarette into an ashtray and winking at Jake.

“KIRA”

“FUCKING ASS WANK BOLLOCK SMUCK!” cried out Kira.

“A SIMPLE “YES” WOULD HAVE SUFFICED YOU CRAZY BITCH. OKAY JAKE”

“Here sir” said Jake wincing at the sight of Darla blowing a kiss at him.

“INFINITY YOU HOT ASS BITCH” said Killzor grinning.

“Present” said Infinity loading a magazine into her sniper rifle.

“REVAN”

“Yo” said Revan coolly.

“AND YO TO YOU TOO HOMEBOY…DUMBASS. AND TENTACLE”

“Here sir” said Tentacle flailing his tentacles and oozing slime on the projection unit.

“YEAH I KNOW YOU’RE HERE ITS KINDA HARD NOT TO MISS A HUGE FUCKING GREEN BLOB OF SHIT LEAVING SLIME ON EVERY FUCKING THING!” said Killzor wiping the slime off the projection unit.

Killzor clicked his projector remote control and a map of an outpost came into view on the black board. Killzor whipped out his pointing stick which he rather like. One reason being it made him feel professional and another reason was that he could hit people with it. Killzor smacked the pointer at the black board and smiled. As he did this a large bunny silhouette rose up onto the board. Killzor looked at Revan who was the creator of this bunny who was also giggling.

“REVAN CUT IT OUT! OR I’LL BE PUTTING ON A SLIDE SHOW BY PUTTING THAT PROJECTOR UP YOUR ASS AND RIPPING YOUR HEAD OFF!” yelled Killzor.

Revan sat down. Killzor put his arms behind his back and paced back and forth trying to be methodical. He then whipped the board with the pointer again.

“ALRIGHT RECRUITS WHILE I WAS FUCKING ALL YOUR MOMS LAST NIGHT THE CITY MERCS MADE A STARTLING DISCOVERY, OH AND WHEN I SAY ALL YOUR MOMS I DON’T MEAN TENTACLES. HE DIDN’T HAVE ONE, AND IF HE DID NO ONE WOULD WANNA F